I am in love with you. It’s an undeniable fact.

But I think, I might not write about you visibly for a while. I feel like such a fraud having to write about another new love, another new feelings, another new discoveries, another new moments. I’ll be writing them in secret, but I won’t go and tell the world about you. I want to keep my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions—all exclusively mine.

I am looking back at everything else, and in retrospect, it’s such a juvenile feeling—the idea of being in a situation that I have experienced some years ago, and even years before that. It’s not that I don’t want to fall in love with you, no; it’s not that I don’t want to fall head over heels in love with you either. I want to be charmed by you, I want to be enthralled still, I want to be in this state of yearning, yes. I want to keep wishing, I want to keep hoping, and yes, I want to keep even the hurt of not knowing if it’s inevitable. If you’re possible. I want to be hurt by the extreme feelings, I want to feel somewhat complacent that I may just be right, but I also want to feel the insecurity of not being enough.

I want you.

But I don’t know what to do with it.

I want you.

But I am so afraid that feelings are recyclable. That moments are recyclable. That these emotions are highly unoriginal.

I want you.

But you might be thinking, so what?

I’m in love with you.

(but so what?)

Checklist for 2010:

1) Close ____________________ before 2009 ends. - done, on schedule.
2) Close ____________ AND ______________ AND forget, before 2009 ends. - done, about two days delayed but relatively still on schedule. Well…the last part is arguable.
3) _________________________________. - done, two weeks delayed.
4) _________________________________. - done just today. Hopefully no longer recurring. Hahahaha. That makes it 19 days.
5) _________________________________. - Wednesday, or Friday, or the weekend. But it WILL happen. I swear.

Anyway. I didn’t like the idea that the aftercare didn’t hurt so much, but, well. I didn’t want the bacteria around anyhow, so I went to Market Market and bought meself a tube of Terramycin anyway, just to be on the safe side. I used to think that Terramycin’s for the pain, turned out it’s just for the disinfecting–for less bruises effect. If you have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about, don’t worry about it. I’m not gonna tell you anyway.

It’s incredible how people would go for something painful and be rather proud (if not foolishly mocking) that they have undergone such procedures. Like, let’s say, having bullet wounds as trophies. I don’t believe with how they go with “what doesn’t hurt won’t kill you,” but maybe it’s because somehow, it’s a gauge of something we can control. You can control that pain, ergo, you’re stronger than what you perceived yourself to be. Specially if you’re kinda a total wuss like me.

Don’t worry. No bullets in my body just yet.

————

I was downstairs to get some fairly strong coffee which I can only obtain from Starbucks. No other brew does it better, I tell you. Don’t go for Cafe Americano–wait for the brewed even if they tell you with pain in their eyes that ma’am, it’s going to take 5 minutes, would you rather go for something else? But something else isn’t as caffeinated, as strong, and maybe even as bitter as Starbs brewed. And these are the only times I let the consumerist bourgeoise in me take over.

I go over to 711 afterwards, and the crew sometimes has a knack of remembering what you always order, and I think they were rather disappointed that I didn’t get the Vanilla Cupcake today, but did get two of those menthol pads or whatever you call them. They’re the other version of salonpas? Something like that. And then guess what I see at the counter?

Chocolates. They’re called Moments.

Don’t you just love the ingenuity? You can just name a dozen weird scripts, like:

“I just swallowed a Moment.”
“I took in our Moment.”
“We shared a Moment.”
“I threw the Moment into the gutter, had the car run over it, and licked by the cat.”
“He gave me Moments.”
“Moments are all I have (I don’t have Oreos).”

Asteeeeg. Galing talaga ng #$%&# advertising. Bilihin ko kaya silang lahat at mamigay ako ng Moments, no? (enter Bloc Party’s Waiting for the 7.18 song, skip to the part that the singer croons, “just give me moments, not hours or days.”)

( I was able to talk to someone about you. She told me exactly what you told me, except she said something that maybe when I heard it at that time, the intensity of the sentence was imagined rather than factual. Or maybe it’s just me.

I didn’t know what to make of it, so I don’t do anything. We talked for 15 minutes. You were never brought up again.

I did admit something to her, though. Something which would invalidate one of the resolutions on my checklist. I think, I don’t mind. It’s always a facade, but the longing doesn’t go. Secretly.)

————

Someone accused me of being indifferent last night. Tangina, parang lagi na lang akong naaaccuse of something lately. Binara ko nga siya: bakit, gaano mo ba balak patagalin yung sakit mo? Kasi dahil buwan na nakalipas nung nakilala mo ako, malamang hindi mo na inabutan yung gusto mong makita sa akin na pinagdadanasan mo ngayon, di ba?

Pauso. Labo.

————

Buti na lang I have a strict no-coworker dating policy. So…let’s go outside the building and be strangers. >:D

Pero ang totoo, mapanira ng umaga yan, hindi pa man validated na dating. Hahaha. Joke lang. Pero buti na lang talaga. Mali lang ako kasi nagcrave ako ng kausap. Hay naku. Bawal sa receding hairline yan. Tanga mo kasi, JC. :))

Speaking of kausap, nagkaabutan kami ni Dei sa Skype. Chika chika lang. Miss nya na raw ako. Wala kasi siyang masabihan ng “gago” sa pinaroroonan nya. Pag naaalala ko kung paano ako nabroken hearted nung una kong narinig na magreresign na siya, siyang casual ko naman ngayon. Tawanan lang kami at some turn of events, pero we’re kind of entitled to that anyway (person bashing, yes) so we just laugh our heads off.

See, sometimes, there’s really no need to get over hurt if there’s minimal hurt anyway. Kailangan mo lang ng antibacterial cream para hindi lumala at lumiit ang scars pag naghilom.

(init ng ulo ko, sorry. Nadali ako ng bigat ng issues kagabi)

Dear you,

You’re getting colder this month. I understand, it’s the season where you melt your frost and it’s inevitable that you’d lose your warmth. Today, I had to fight a shiver when your breath met my bare skin which trailed after your kiss. It’s the start of the year and everyone’s back to their indifferent lives, including you. I should have realized that, but you know I’d always have an allowance towards you. You are my first love after all.

Today, when time permitted it, I took a small break from work and went off to this place where I could see you from afar without you noticing. You were busy, as usual, but I couldn’t help but smile a little while seeing you at work. You have come a long way, lover. You were still as progressive as I first met you. You’re still very stubborn, intolerant even to some points. You’re still ruthless, but can be rather gentle at times. Maybe that’s the reason a lot of people are attracted to you—me included. I can’t help it. You’re dangerous but you never fail to charm me with your comforting soft radiance and spaces.

I miss you. I horribly miss you. One of these days I’ll let you take my breath away again. We’ll have a rendezvous and make love under the stars and let you empower me once more. I miss having you to my self. Sometimes I feel so selfish when I share you with others and they fall in love with you; seeing you in a different light they’ve never seen you in before. I almost want to scream, I am the original mistress! But I know you can’t ever be tethered; you really belong to everyone, and I am simply lucky to be a part of you; and you, most of me.

I love you, city. Come away with me this weekend.

Love,
Jayce

Relative ba ang pagpaparamdam/signs? Kasi di naman ako dati nakakakita ng swallows sa may smoking area, suddenly today, meron.

Am I over thinking, or is it freaking happening again?

+ +

Someone asked me before why it’s common for people to look for persian food after drinking beer. Actually, the idea was just for something spicy, not specifically persian. Naaalala kong sinagot ko siya with the impulse to burn the tongue with something hot after it being numb with the beer, pero di ko naisip na baka it’s one of those “theoretical” questions which you’re supposed to just go “oo nga, no?” and not really answer it literally.

The reason why I’m saying that now is my first impulse for food earlier was to look for one of ‘em spicy noodles. Nainis pa akong walang available na uber hot / spicy version. Pakshet.

And no, I didn’t go to work drunk. Don’t worry. But I did go to work with slight traces of beer and a rather weird after-beer feeling. Some people call it hang over, but then again, it wasn’t that strong to be labelled as one. I was drowning a lingering feeling with Danny Zuko. Yes, I was watching Grease early in the morning. That’s what happens when you catch yourself singing out loud to “Walking On Sunshine / Halo” Glee version at 3 am, while sitting on the steps of Burgundy tower and everything kinda feels like it’s a saturated version of Sunday at 7am but with heightened “Good morning, Makati” feeling. Oh, yes, dear readers, I was a living manifestation of a giggly prepubescent at dawn.

So when I came home, I made love to Danny Zuko. Except Olivia Newton-John snapped me back to reality after singing, “Hopelessly addicted to you.”

Yes, I feel like a pendulum being swung madly. Worse, it’s a freaking whiplash of sorts. God help me and my unresolved feelings.

+ +

Eh kung sagutin ko kaya yung Facebook status mo?

Wag na. Baka mapahiya ako. Hindi naman para sa akin yun, e. :)))

++

Nica stopped by my station for a chat earlier. I gave her my reasons why I’m chicken. Haha.

Sabi nya, I look better lately. Siya ba daw ang dahilan. Sabi ko, one-sided. Very VERY relative. I don’t think siya ang rason, but I’d like to think so. I’d like to hope so. Sabi nya I gained weight, but I look better. That is such an oxymoron if told to a girl, for crying out loud.

Naiisip ko lang, ayoko nang ikwento ng ikwento yung story. Nagsasawa na akong marinig how my insecurities killed my chances. Pero di ko rin naman alam kung bakit di ko tinatanggal yung pic nya sa desk ko, which would spark a lot of curious questions. I guess, I wanna be reminded of the oher relative side–the better one.

++

I got a goody bag from someone I still haven’t figured out kung sino. Tinawag lang ako nung guard, said I have something. Sabi ko, kanino galing? Sabi ni Kuya Guard, ayan po, o, may pangalan.

Eh nakasulat: To: Boss JC Fr: Meh ü

Nakakaloko ka naman, kuya e. :)))

Someone’s keeping tab of my new years’ resolutions / open issues–one of my original kids from the North America Geo. She said I have only done two of them (both done before the year ended), and the third one is delayed by 10 days. Sabi ko Four and Five will come this weekend. Oo, pagsasabayin ko. That kinda means I have to cut down on booze.

Shitshitshit. I am soooo anxious.

Here’s something they never teach you at primary school.

Someone will always be not over someone. Deal with it. If you get lucky, and if you’re good enough, you’ll be the one to change her mind. If you’re not, you’ll be the subject of a little bit of a playground tiff where in you kiss, you get a little dramatic, you imagine there might be fucking something more, but you find yourself sitting across the truth one day and you know—YOU KNOW—that THIS IS NOT THE TRUTH YOU’RE AFTER. Sure, pull off all the stunts you want. You’ll have a lot of them in your lifetime. You will have a lot of those freaking movie scenes replayed over and over and over again with you as either the protagonist or the antagonist. But you know what, two things:

1) Even if you SHOULD have kissed her and asked her to change her mind, if you never did—even if you went halfway but didn’t make it and you got into all sorts of weird stupid trouble anyway—IT WILL NOT MATTER IF YOU DIDN’T MAKE IT TO MAKE HER FEEL IT. Your stories about how you tried won’t matter—because you know what, you can pine about things all you want, but if you never got the message across, you will never get to say, hey, I have temporarily foregone my pride no matter how low or foolish I was just to let her know how much she matters to me, how much I would want to forgo all the games people play to make people run after them, but you never did it, you never told them how much you want to try, and how—god forbid—desperate, of you to make them want to take a chance on you, you will never EVER be able to say, I did it, oh fuck, I did it, despite all the irrationalities a human being can surmise.

2) And you know what, even so, even if you say fuck it, even if you have been asking the whole universe to make her yours, it matters WHETHER OR NOT YOU CHANGE HER MIND TO MAKE YOU HERS. And sometimes, it can be done if you’d be outrageous enough to do it.

Oh, yes, even if you know you’re just one huge stupid fuck for even bothering to hope, imagine and wish. Because in the end, someone will always tell you you’re foolish, and someone will always say you’re such a huge fuck for imagining there would be more, but in the end, it’s you, yes, it boils down to you and how fucking embarrassing you wanna get, and how long you can play that song which will prompt you to do stupid things, and over all, you wonder, is it really worth it—for you, for her, and for all that you’ve done in between. Now, you ask, is it really worth being so irrational over something transient in the first place?

My answer? Depending on how crazy you want your life to be. In the end, it’s your life. It’s your story. And it’s how bereft of side stories you wanna get. Because you know what? In the end, passion drives you. Your hunger drives you. And yes, even if it’s just one small kiss that you’re left hanging on to, at least you’re hanging on to something. This small thing will be pivotal no matter how many what-ifs you have—it’s about what you did to make it possibly happen. We’re all made of moments. And THERE WILL ALWAYS BE POSSIBILITIES.

So take that, you. This is my answer to all those moments we let slip by, and we hung around drinking our nights away pining over the incredulities of life. Move, damn it, move!

(lalalala, I’ll be going back to my wasteland of ideas)





————





Someone told me something very revealing last night. I keep thinking I’m the one who’s a prey to people who make you hope, not knowing that on an analysis of things, I actually made some people hope for me as well. In short, paasa daw ako. And enumerated a list of people. Pota.

So, last night, I side-stepped on a possible crash site of issues. I went home early to save them from myself. In an instant, I became the protagonist who’s shielded everyone from the antagonist, who also happened to be me. Talk about dual personalities.

I should feel proud that I spared a life I could potentially mess up. But the romantic in me could not help but wonder.