So I woke up with the usual hangover. Amit, Nidhi and I were going about Jupiter street last night, and at 5 am, we were still drinking the last mugs of beer. But that’s not the interesting part. The interesting part, is that I saw my mother sitting on the floor of the kitchen near the refrigerator, with my brother looking down on her curiously. I saw something black in front of her but I kinda thought it’s just one of those post-hangover things lingering on your brain.
I went back to my room. Then I heard the yapping.
That’s right, we have a puppy in the house.
The short-haired black dog with white glove-type patches on the feet, happened to be an annoying wailing thing at a vacant lot at two o’clock in the morning before it became a puppy inside our house. My mother took pity on it after getting exasperated with it finally. I told her that’s prolly the reason why it got dumped in the first place. Asungot kasi.
I look at the puppy and cringe. Someone once told me the concept of pretty looking pets: you have to ensure that you get a cute one if it’s a family pet because chances are, it’s going to survive because it solicits that “awwww” in you, therefore constantly feeding the pet.
This one is just downright ugly.
“Di bale, saglit lang naman eto. Pag umokay na siya, hahanapin ko na yung may ari. Kawawa kasi, e.” My mother defends. She lovingly strokes the little pup and looks at it longingly. Oh, you poor, naive woman. Come here, you.
Well, I can’t blame her. It has been a long time since we last had pets in the house. Generally, my mum disapproves of them because she ends up caring for them, so that kind of discourages my gigil-ang-cute-mo-lumayo-ka-at-iuuwi-kita urges with kittens. But as much as I miss pets running around my feet, I miss good looking pets running around my feet.
“Di ba lalaki yung mga aso sa farm? Sabi ng Papa mo gusto nya ng askal, e. Tamang tama ito, babae.” I can’t help but feel a little guilty of feeling like a pimp. Fresh new girl from probinsya, tamang tama, maraming lalaki sa Maynila na magbabayad para dito. Hahahaha.
I sit down and start typing on the taptap, and the puppy trots over to my feet and slumps down on them. Aww. Fuck. JC, you poor, naive woman, you. I pull the table cloth up and look at her. She peers up at me.
I find that Watsons have been giving me so much comfort lately. No, I haven’t exactly been curing a possible hypochondriasis, I have been walking out of the store usually with small vanity items. It’s either that or coffee anyway, and the latter’s bound to kill me with hyperventilation issues. So every day, I spend about 15 minutes just walking around the store, checking inventories, seeing what’s new.
I think there’s some slight comfort in the idea that one store can house so much cure-it-alls to everyday issues. I look around and find that, if I have issues with my hair, I go to the aisle next to the counter. If it’s for body wash, I go to the aisle next to it. For headache, I run to the pharmacist. Every possible health issue, they almost got it made. And they usually have it pretty quick, too. Just go over to the counter and pay. Sometimes, I imagine I’m trying to cure myself that way when I go around and stay for 15 minutes in the place every day. Since a lot of issues are mostly mind-developed anyhow, I stay there thinking that maybe just 15 minutes of my day and it’s curing me of all my psychosomatic issues. You know how 30 minutes of library time everyday can make you feel smarter?
Truth about it, is, every day I go there, it worries me that I am not relieving myself of my other neurological issues. Specifically the developed ones. Every day they come up with medicines, with quick fixes, with cure-it-alls, and although of course, they do fix tangible deterioration, I sometimes hope that there’s just a pain-free quick fix to relative deterioration. Anger. Bitchiness. Sadness. Mental distress. Lack of direction. Un-sureness of self. Jealousy. Instability. Like their physical counterparts which may also take years to develop, if not hours, at least there’s a tangible solution as well: capsules. Tablets. Syrups. But they say the dosage and they say the frequency of when to use, plus the timeline and desired effects. Cures for emotional and mental instability never quite come with such timelines. But depending on how you stifle them, they go hidden. For the mean time.
Today, I took a pill for a rather nagging headache. I promptly trooped over to Watsons, looked for an ibuprofen tab, and drank it with my coffee. It didn’t immediately go, but it was gone before I had to count hours.
At least, I was cured with one problem. Now, I’m wondering how one cures the emptiness that relative disappointments leave. I still haven’t found the meds.
I wake up to the silent sounds of the city entwined with your breathing. We are still snuggled close together, trying to take in as much morning time as possible. We were both tired from last night’s engagements, you especially. You have been driving long miles practically the whole night.
You greet a throaty good morning. In between that and a lazy smile, I half expected you’d murmur instead an endearment, as you have always done rather liberally in the past. I didn’t mind, though. You stretched a little and wondered about the time, and I tell you that the next show we planned to catch would be at 12. French Film showing at the Shang today, and you’re excited to attend for the first time, and I look at you and I can’t help but just smile. It’s a rather overwhelming feeling. You twist under the covers and we spend a few more minutes filling the time with light banters and cuddles, and I think, wow, I’d want this every morning.
II.
It’s about a few minutes past twelve. A few morning mishaps occurred which forced us to stay back for a few more hours. We think about catching the 3pm screening but realize that we need more time for food. You’re finishing your hair and I’m waiting with a fresh shirt on; one from your fresh laundry. I like the consensus that I still don’t have my stuff on your place. Familiarity is nice but space is important, we both decided, and a toothbrush serves as the only object I own. You’re all dolled up in a pair of white shorts and your old checkered button-ups, something I recall you mentioned you got from the boy’s clothing department at a local mall. I feel plain and underdressed and as much as I didn’t mind the world seeing me I kind of wanted you to be proud when you hold my hand, but you look at me and you remark how I fit into your shirt nicely, and I smile shyly and you come over and give a light kiss which automatically deepens. Your shirt loosens a little and I could see your nape from where I was sitting, and we pause in the middle of everything and you look at me with such fervor and I hold my breath; I wonder how nobody could see such beauty but I think selfishly for a minute that I hope nobody does, because then, I’d be in deep trouble. I nibble on your lips for a bit and you smile mischievously, and I just love it when you do that small bite on your lips when you’re in such a playful mood and I laugh, because I knew exactly what to do from there.
A few more minutes pass and we drop your laundry off, and we’re on the highway at about 2pm. You tell me how you like the comfortable feeling you’re experiencing now. You didn’t need to do much to impress, and I tell you I enjoy you as you are. We reach the mall and we hunt for food as you were starting to get crabby; later on we decide to go for a froyo break as it has been a long time since we last had one; come to think of it, it has been a long time since we last had the time to go around the malls and spend time together. We’ve been horribly busy the past days. We play around with the toys at this hobby shop, and you pick up this ruler which wraps itself around the wrist; I offer my own and you try to snap it on my arm but I jokingly pull back, and we giggle like crazy and finally break into laughter. We walk around and meet a friend before going in line for the cinemas, and we catch the 6pm screening with another ice cream in tow.
III.
I was worried you might be getting bored, but you simply snuggled every once in a while. You give comments which show interest, and I am partly relieved; I wanted this experience to be nice enough for you. We saw a few familiar faces while waiting for the show to start, and a few nice trailers besides, but films are still a different experience.
I am half absorbed by the film and two thirds conscious of how you are. I feel a stare from my side and find you looking at me tenderly. We share a smile, and I gaze at you, and I couldn’t help but feel lucky you’re there. I remember this one time you asked me, when did I finally realize I loved you? I answered something random, but thinking about it, I’m not sure if that instance mattered. Back then, it felt selfish wanting you. But over time, it became a different definition.
Once, you asked me if I still feel unconfident about the people you have been with. I somehow couldn’t help but compare myself with them then, as these were the people you have loved. I wanted to match up, somehow. But today, looking at you looking at me like that, I feel so privileged to be given that much affection, that the only thing I had in mind is I want to make you the happiest.
I silently mouth, “I love you.” And you give that small knowing smile, and you whisper, “I love you, too.”
I felt something creep up my cheeks while I was reading her long sms. It is a fuck-full of emotions slinking up, leaving red traces on every vein. It caught up with my eyes. It started to sting.
Yeah, I’m irrational. Yeah, I’m going through a huge lot of fucking hormonal imbalance. And yeah, I know it’s just one of those days. But that’s kind of the point—it’s one of those days when you’re just so fucking annoyed with the whole goddamn planet that you’re not supposed to give a fuck on but strangely you do, and it’s catching up on you and the only good thing to make it all equal is for you to be able to say at the end of the day, “I’m glad you’re here.” And all the other perks in between. And they just go kafuckingboom.
Balanse. Balanse. Balanse.
(I’m going crazy)
Balanse.
Balanse.
Fuck.
I gagarapon ko lang: iritable, mainit ang ulo, mamaya tatawa, mamaya maiinis. Mamaya biglang makukulob, sasabog. Mamaya ngingiti, mamaya sisimangot. Mamaya mangaaway. Kahit wala sa mood para dun.
Ilang taon na nga ba ako? Ilang taon ko na bang napagdaanan ito? Hindi na dapat, e. Nakakahiyang mas positibo ka pa kumpara sa akin. Na mas magaling ka pang mag explain at umintindi kesa sa akin. Pero kasi, ang gulo ng utak ko ngayon, at ayokong tumakbo sa iba para may comfort. Nasa iyo yun dapat, e. Kailangan ko na yatang magsimula ulit makipagkilala sa control. Na pag nalulungkot o naiirita, o nababadtrip, kailangan kong umuwi. At matutong maghintay sa pagdating mo. Sa panahong may oras ka na. Hindi yung biglang maghahanap sa speed dial. Dahil minsan, busy rin ako, at di ko rin minsan mapunan ang pangangailangan mo. Nagkataon lang na ngayon, ang init ng ulo ko.
Nasabihan ako dati nun. Nalulungkot rin naman siya. Pero hindi siya kung kanikanino tumatakbo. Nagpumilit siyang maghintay sa pagdating ko. Ngayon, sa bagong pahina ng panibagong mundo, natututunan kong sapilitan ang mga ayaw kong makita at maintindihan noon.
Ang hirap pala. Ang hirap pala mag bote ng irasyonal na emosyon.
(Eto ba yung iniiwasan natin noon? Pero hindi pangangailangan dulot ng responsibilidad, e. Pangangailangan eto na makapiling ka.)
Hello, world. Let me give you an update of how Manila’s doing right now.
So I saw the kitten off to the airport this morning as she leaves for Caticlan; 4 days in Boracay she’ll have due to her sister’s wedding. We were skipping a few puddles and she was extra careful as we were walking on the street, and I ask if it rained last night. I don’t remember noise playing on the roofs a few hours ago. They formed a rather inconsistent pattern, and so I assumed that the puddles were simply excesses of high tide from the street conduits.
I strolled around Makati on my way home. It’s a different mood albeit people are still rushing around and I’m letting all of the haze pass around me. Skies are overcast and it was around 7:30am, and hardly any rays of sunshine in sight. It was such a glorious dark day.
Let me explain to you how this goes. As the Philippines is located near the equator, we have the most inconsistent weather there is—if it’s hot, it’s usually a Houston equivalent, and it can also be a headache having to battle with the incoherence of the rainy seasons, comparable to Baltimore’s 10-month raining streak. You pull off a New Yorker fashion one day and you’d find your outfit useless with the heat despite the heavy rains in the morning. But rainy season doesn’t start till late May to early June, and the skies have displayed barely the signs of waters yet, so Manila, in particular, is being incubated in heat. Any sign of cloud drowse is good news.
And it’s just such a lovely feeling. Looking around, everything is just dark due to the skies, and contrasts are subdued. Your skin would burn of the wet cold, a thankful change from the sweltering heat it endured. People are scurrying but there’s a distinguishable slowness, like the air’s density is stopping them from moving. And you look around and imagine a great soundtrack coming through; possibly slower Kings of Convenience songs, or when you reach your bed and there’s a cuddle in the making waiting, Thank You, by Dido. Manila thrives in that conflict. And so do I, when I feel all fuzzy when I look around and it’s a perfect bed weather yet the perfect snuggle partner’s spending 4 days in Bora.
Yeah, well. You can have a little bit of everything sometimes, but not all of them in one chunk, anyway. Or sometimes you do, just not today.
Afternoon was beautifully chaotic today. The heavy rains I imagined didn’t push through, and it was rather sticky by 2pm; and I went to the office with a freaking headache in tow. And alas, I had to do a teachback presentation which I nearly forgot about. Such a good thing I had so much experience doing facilitations with my agents before that it wasn’t really that bad anymore. Sometimes I wonder if such over confidence will backfire one day. Lol
Sister’s wedding went great, she reported. No, in fact, the wedding rocked, her words. I am green with envy right now. I still haven’t pulled off the perfect summer tan even if I have a little bit of something against it, but heck, a beach is still a beach. The times I went to a beach the past months are for team building activities which I usually stand in as a security guard anyway.
Bad news, though, is that I’m feeling feverish. Oh Christ, not now. I just want to be virus free for the next days. Proof of why:
May 28
[FRIDAY] “SaGuijo 6th year anniv” Part One. feat: Up Dharma Down, The Charmes, Blast Ople, Greyhoundz, Drip, Angulo, Spy, Mr. Bones and the Boneyard Circus, Out Of Body Special, Sleepwalk Circus, Dorques, SoapDish, Boy Elroy, and more
May 29
[SATURDAY] “SaGuijo 6th year anniv” Part Two. feat: Us-2-Evil-0, Taken By Cars, Musical O, Encounters with a Yeti, Chicosci, Paranoid City, Domino, Radioactive Sago Project, Typecast, Pedicab, Sandwich, Imago, Chicosci, Sugarfree, Nyco Maca+Playground, and more
