Not that I don’t want to write.

I just simply want to keep smiling. (hihihi)

BRB ktnxbai. *^_^*

I am in love with you. It’s an undeniable fact.

But I think, I might not write about you visibly for a while. I feel like such a fraud having to write about another new love, another new feelings, another new discoveries, another new moments. I’ll be writing them in secret, but I won’t go and tell the world about you. I want to keep my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions—all exclusively mine.

I am looking back at everything else, and in retrospect, it’s such a juvenile feeling—the idea of being in a situation that I have experienced some years ago, and even years before that. It’s not that I don’t want to fall in love with you, no; it’s not that I don’t want to fall head over heels in love with you either. I want to be charmed by you, I want to be enthralled still, I want to be in this state of yearning, yes. I want to keep wishing, I want to keep hoping, and yes, I want to keep even the hurt of not knowing if it’s inevitable. If you’re possible. I want to be hurt by the extreme feelings, I want to feel somewhat complacent that I may just be right, but I also want to feel the insecurity of not being enough.

I want you.

But I don’t know what to do with it.

I want you.

But I am so afraid that feelings are recyclable. That moments are recyclable. That these emotions are highly unoriginal.

I want you.

But you might be thinking, so what?

I’m in love with you.

(but so what?)

Relative ba ang pagpaparamdam/signs? Kasi di naman ako dati nakakakita ng swallows sa may smoking area, suddenly today, meron.

Am I over thinking, or is it freaking happening again?

+ +

Someone asked me before why it’s common for people to look for persian food after drinking beer. Actually, the idea was just for something spicy, not specifically persian. Naaalala kong sinagot ko siya with the impulse to burn the tongue with something hot after it being numb with the beer, pero di ko naisip na baka it’s one of those “theoretical” questions which you’re supposed to just go “oo nga, no?” and not really answer it literally.

The reason why I’m saying that now is my first impulse for food earlier was to look for one of ‘em spicy noodles. Nainis pa akong walang available na uber hot / spicy version. Pakshet.

And no, I didn’t go to work drunk. Don’t worry. But I did go to work with slight traces of beer and a rather weird after-beer feeling. Some people call it hang over, but then again, it wasn’t that strong to be labelled as one. I was drowning a lingering feeling with Danny Zuko. Yes, I was watching Grease early in the morning. That’s what happens when you catch yourself singing out loud to “Walking On Sunshine / Halo” Glee version at 3 am, while sitting on the steps of Burgundy tower and everything kinda feels like it’s a saturated version of Sunday at 7am but with heightened “Good morning, Makati” feeling. Oh, yes, dear readers, I was a living manifestation of a giggly prepubescent at dawn.

So when I came home, I made love to Danny Zuko. Except Olivia Newton-John snapped me back to reality after singing, “Hopelessly addicted to you.”

Yes, I feel like a pendulum being swung madly. Worse, it’s a freaking whiplash of sorts. God help me and my unresolved feelings.

+ +

Eh kung sagutin ko kaya yung Facebook status mo?

Wag na. Baka mapahiya ako. Hindi naman para sa akin yun, e. :)))

++

Nica stopped by my station for a chat earlier. I gave her my reasons why I’m chicken. Haha.

Sabi nya, I look better lately. Siya ba daw ang dahilan. Sabi ko, one-sided. Very VERY relative. I don’t think siya ang rason, but I’d like to think so. I’d like to hope so. Sabi nya I gained weight, but I look better. That is such an oxymoron if told to a girl, for crying out loud.

Naiisip ko lang, ayoko nang ikwento ng ikwento yung story. Nagsasawa na akong marinig how my insecurities killed my chances. Pero di ko rin naman alam kung bakit di ko tinatanggal yung pic nya sa desk ko, which would spark a lot of curious questions. I guess, I wanna be reminded of the oher relative side–the better one.

++

I got a goody bag from someone I still haven’t figured out kung sino. Tinawag lang ako nung guard, said I have something. Sabi ko, kanino galing? Sabi ni Kuya Guard, ayan po, o, may pangalan.

Eh nakasulat: To: Boss JC Fr: Meh ü

Nakakaloko ka naman, kuya e. :)))

Someone’s keeping tab of my new years’ resolutions / open issues–one of my original kids from the North America Geo. She said I have only done two of them (both done before the year ended), and the third one is delayed by 10 days. Sabi ko Four and Five will come this weekend. Oo, pagsasabayin ko. That kinda means I have to cut down on booze.

Shitshitshit. I am soooo anxious.

I cannot believe I got a beating from Mark when he dropped by in the office today. He’s now working in Fort Global, and is almost making it his responsibility to look after me every once in a while to ensure I’m okay, and now he’s trying to forcefully beat some sense into me when I talked to him earlier.

I told him about the comment I got from someone over the weekend. I told him my case. He pointed out (and used a rather well played metaphor, too) two things:

1) At one point, napaasa ko rin daw siya. We burst out laughing about it when we realized that, and I kinda felt bad, too, but…err…well. The difference is, I told him pointedly that we just wanted to be friends. And he decided not to go after it anymore.

2) He said that I can’t claim anything unless I made the point across—which is very well my point in the other long blog about the whole you-don’t-learn-this-in-primary-school thing. Sabi niya, it doesn’t count if there’s a wish, and I tried making it happen, pero walang kaalam alam yung isa. Kasi, anong point? Ang metaphor niya: it’s like having a fire drill. There’s an emergency, and you have people running. But someone only sees people running, he or she would assume it doesn’t have anything to do with him/her, and goes into the building anyway. Which makes the whole fire drill pointless. If totoong fire issue yun, at hindi niya alam, namatay pa siguro yung tao. :)) Ang point—sabihan mo yung taong involved, baka madisgrasya. Hahaha.

So sabi ko, sorry naman. I was waiting for divine intervention. Divine intervention ka jan, he claims. Sabi ko, feeling ko kasi, baka magic. Baka destiny might make things happen. Kasi korni kung sasabihan ko siyang pupunta pala ako sa kanya, may surprise and all, and see if there’s something more. Kaya I took it as a sign na hindi natuloy yung plano ko halfway. Sabi niya, eh hindi naman kasi fair. Hindi ka diyos. Oo nga naman. Parang nag hope ka for a miracle na someone would go to Divisoria na baka mag kita kayo, eh walang kaalam- alam yung isa at nagpuntang Chinatown. Hahahaha.

Sorry, naaliw kasi ako sa symbolism nya about the fire drill. Ang sarap tuloy mag concoct ng napaka rami pang symbolisms.

Sabi ko, hayaan mo na. Ayoko na ituloy. Come what may na lang siguro.

Chicken. I could see it in his eyes he was screaming that silently. Hahaha.

Sabi ko, kasi parang tayo lang yan, e. Ayoko na magkaroon ng anything between us kasi we’re better off as friends. So paano pala kung ganoon din pala ang point of view niya? Na naisip niya, ayoko na sa kanya, hindi ko na siya makita as someone na potential na maging kami. Na mas friends na lang talaga. Eh tanga akong nag co-concoct ng stupid magic tricks with fate, thinking na baka pwede pa.

Eh kasi ako, na clarify mo. Alam ko nang there’s nothing more. Mag usap kayo. Tanungin mo.

Ayoko nga, I retorted. Pride ko lang.

Eh yun lang. Ayaw mong gumapang. Tanga mo kasi. And he laughed.

And that was the point of the whole firedrill, folks. :)))

Here’s something they never teach you at primary school.

Someone will always be not over someone. Deal with it. If you get lucky, and if you’re good enough, you’ll be the one to change her mind. If you’re not, you’ll be the subject of a little bit of a playground tiff where in you kiss, you get a little dramatic, you imagine there might be fucking something more, but you find yourself sitting across the truth one day and you know—YOU KNOW—that THIS IS NOT THE TRUTH YOU’RE AFTER. Sure, pull off all the stunts you want. You’ll have a lot of them in your lifetime. You will have a lot of those freaking movie scenes replayed over and over and over again with you as either the protagonist or the antagonist. But you know what, two things:

1) Even if you SHOULD have kissed her and asked her to change her mind, if you never did—even if you went halfway but didn’t make it and you got into all sorts of weird stupid trouble anyway—IT WILL NOT MATTER IF YOU DIDN’T MAKE IT TO MAKE HER FEEL IT. Your stories about how you tried won’t matter—because you know what, you can pine about things all you want, but if you never got the message across, you will never get to say, hey, I have temporarily foregone my pride no matter how low or foolish I was just to let her know how much she matters to me, how much I would want to forgo all the games people play to make people run after them, but you never did it, you never told them how much you want to try, and how—god forbid—desperate, of you to make them want to take a chance on you, you will never EVER be able to say, I did it, oh fuck, I did it, despite all the irrationalities a human being can surmise.

2) And you know what, even so, even if you say fuck it, even if you have been asking the whole universe to make her yours, it matters WHETHER OR NOT YOU CHANGE HER MIND TO MAKE YOU HERS. And sometimes, it can be done if you’d be outrageous enough to do it.

Oh, yes, even if you know you’re just one huge stupid fuck for even bothering to hope, imagine and wish. Because in the end, someone will always tell you you’re foolish, and someone will always say you’re such a huge fuck for imagining there would be more, but in the end, it’s you, yes, it boils down to you and how fucking embarrassing you wanna get, and how long you can play that song which will prompt you to do stupid things, and over all, you wonder, is it really worth it—for you, for her, and for all that you’ve done in between. Now, you ask, is it really worth being so irrational over something transient in the first place?

My answer? Depending on how crazy you want your life to be. In the end, it’s your life. It’s your story. And it’s how bereft of side stories you wanna get. Because you know what? In the end, passion drives you. Your hunger drives you. And yes, even if it’s just one small kiss that you’re left hanging on to, at least you’re hanging on to something. This small thing will be pivotal no matter how many what-ifs you have—it’s about what you did to make it possibly happen. We’re all made of moments. And THERE WILL ALWAYS BE POSSIBILITIES.

So take that, you. This is my answer to all those moments we let slip by, and we hung around drinking our nights away pining over the incredulities of life. Move, damn it, move!

(lalalala, I’ll be going back to my wasteland of ideas)





————





Someone told me something very revealing last night. I keep thinking I’m the one who’s a prey to people who make you hope, not knowing that on an analysis of things, I actually made some people hope for me as well. In short, paasa daw ako. And enumerated a list of people. Pota.

So, last night, I side-stepped on a possible crash site of issues. I went home early to save them from myself. In an instant, I became the protagonist who’s shielded everyone from the antagonist, who also happened to be me. Talk about dual personalities.

I should feel proud that I spared a life I could potentially mess up. But the romantic in me could not help but wonder.