*clicks*

*hissing sound*

Hello? Test. Test.

*clicks*

*dead silent sound*

*hissing sound*

Hello.

I don’t have a pen. That’s why I’m recording this.

Hi. My name is Alexis. And. I don’t know who you are. I don’t know if anyone would pick it up. I’m 22 years old. No, not really. That’s bullshit. I don’t know how old I really am. With my body versus my mind, I am torn between subjecting my facts to what I know versus what I can see. And I don’t think I’m anywhere near that age at all.

*sighs*

I’m tired. Of being jaded. I don’t think I’d ever fall in love again. I don’t think I’d want to fall in love AGAIN. I want to stay with what I have. I want to stay in love with what I have. I have seen broken hearts too much. I have seen wants and likes and dislikes and compatibilities, and it’s just so fucking hard to settle sometimes that finally, I think I see something I’d want to stay with for a long time. It’s not perfect, and that’s the irony of it. It’s perfect that it’s not perfect. Because if it were, then it might not be real. Real is when you try to love someone despite the improbabilities of making it last but it does because you know you want it so bad to last the universe does it for you. No kismet, no happy ever afters. Well, there’s hope, and struggle, and happy mostly and a few angers in between. But I want to stay with her. She makes me WANT to stay with her. And I really think that’s a good thing.

*long pause*

You know, once I thought you were the one. Yeah, you. You proved to me that soul mates never exist. I mean, they probably do. But you didn’t for me. You kind of broke it off. But thinking about it, maybe you were, but just in a way we never thought it would be. Counted a few broken lifetimes and now you have what I had before but you were too happy to notice. Now I’m happy but I’m still noticing, and I can’t say I don’t care but we’ve been friends for such a long time, sometimes it’s hard not to care even if I’m mostly apathetic. But that’s that.

*sniffs*

Now you. No, not the other one. The other you. The new you.

You scare the hell out of me.

You scare the hell out of me because you went from a dream to unreal to semi real to a dream all over again, but this time, a dream to aspire with, not a dream to simply moon about. That’s kind of the point, isn’t it? When you go with the term “with.” God, sometimes I still think this is not happening, but I feel overwhelmed how we manage to make it work. And I truthfully like it. But honestly? I’m scared. I’m so scared—no, I’m fucking scared shitless—to be in something so real again. To be looking at futures this early when we talk about things and I can’t help but have a private smile and wish you won’t stop talking about it even if I may seem distant sometimes because I just pretend but I love it when you factor me in on everything. I just wanted you, period. You wanted me for a long time, and that’s scaring me sometimes. Because hope is never quite the same after you dropped it from 30 floors down.

I…

I don’t want to go.

And…I know. Sometimes, I run.

But…I’m just worried I might fuck it up if I do, so I let things cool down a bit and my head won’t be spinning with I told you so phrases on eternal repeat. Like, “I told you, Alexis, you shouldn’t have gone with a dream.” Or, “I told you, Lex, she’ll wake up soon.” Or, “Lex, she’ll give up one day.” Or “Lex, Lex, Lex, you pathetic little girl, stop thinking she’ll be your new world. It’s a breakable aspiration.”

But that’s the problem. You always manage to break those negatives. And sometimes, saying “forever” doesn’t seem too bad.

*coughs*

God, it’s so fucking cold out here. It’s been raining again, and it’s such a bad fucked up feeling being all cooped up in here without the warmth of you.

*cricket sounds*

*gulping sounds*

You know, sometimes I just don’t know how to deal with some news. I’m sorry.

*more gulping sounds*

But I think , I just don’t know how to really say “I’m so lucky” better other than ranting like this out in the open with an old recorder. Ugh. I have to go in. It’s really freezing. I’m just ranting this one time. I don’t know if I need to listen to this again, I hate listening to my own voice. So I’ll throw this tape in to the creek and you won’t have to know.

*pause*

Yeah. I’ll just tell you I love you in the morning. You won’t have to know.

*click*