I was going through a couple of downloads on Wicky the other day when I discovered that, despite the numerous songs that I have, I don’t have that one song for her. It’s not that it’s needed, and it’s a godfucking cheesy concept, but you know those snap moments when there’s just something so downright awesome, there’s an automatic soundtrack tuner in your head and it jumps to the most appropriate song for that time? Okay, I know not everyone’s equipped with an auto jukebox thingamajig on their heads, but sometimes it does on mine.
The thing is, there WAS this song which popped up. And you know how sometimes they just come to you right when there’s a moment of conflicting emotions specially when someone looks at you with all this adoration which you would like to think is all yours for the moment, and an unseen knot is building up on your stomach and it makes your heart plunge like a freefall on a freaking 50-level high building jump. The same look, coupled with a smile which haunted me for about 3 months wishing it were for me, and the same look which I keep going back to on moments of random hopelessness. It was a perfect song—it’s non-committal, it’s very endearing, it’s adoring, and it may be one-sided, but it encompassed everything I wanted to say at that time.
The problem is, I’ve used it before. On someone. And there’s also another favorite song, which at one point I have also shared as a favorite with someone.
Early this year, I remember sitting on the carpeted elevated area of someone’s space, whining (come to think of it, I have done a lot of that over the past months to that person). Something I found on Google got me upset. I felt like a has-been: once, people have written about me being the love of their lives. People have looked at me with such endearing looks as well. Now they’re looking at someone else that way, as much as I have looked at people with such admiration as well. I have written about people. I have written about new love. About possibilities. About maybes. About fairytales. About forevers. About Us.
It sounds…like someone deliberately bumping on a vintage record player. Long, winding, bump, scratch, repeat step one. A few more runs and it renders you jaded. Eto na naman tayo.
Sabi nung may ari nung space, I over think.
Sabi nung cause, maybe it’s the person. (ironic)
Sabi ko, fuck me and my brains fueled with emotions spiked with rhum, caffeine, and something illegal.
I hooked up my iPhone to Wicky ze laptop. ITunes opened. I stared at it long and hard.
And started placing in random songs that reminded me of her. From Migraine by Moonstar88, to Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered by Frank Sinatra, to Everything by Lifehouse, to All I Want is You by U2, to Taking Chances from the Glee Soundtrack. Even songs which may not mean anything but has a little bit of the message I wanted to say: So Little Time by Arkana, There Goes the Fear by Doves, Slide by Goo Goo Dolls, Fix You by Coldplay. Revivals. Old ones. Classics. Or songs which just make you belt out randomly while on the elevator: “I am trying to say / what I want to say / without having to say / I love you.”
I just placed all of them in. Pieces of her. And it’s a fucking crazy playlist with one artist crooning on the first 3 minutes and another artist screaming on the next three. It makes you calm and crazy and excited and pained and loved in one run. There are favorites, and there’s always one above the rest, and some of them I have liked with other people before, and some of them have been soundtracks of different events, but placing them all in that playlist seemed apt. Placing them all together made it seem like it’s a different experience. Playing them right there didn’t bring me to the time I first heard it, but it brought me to a different association—to her.
And I realized, it does make things unique right there, doesn’t it? Because even if it’s the same song, playing it in the morning isn’t the same experience when playing it at night, and when it played while it was hot, and while it was raining, or while there was a typhoon. It’s the same song. But experienced differently. It’s a different emotion, it’s a different intensity.
It’s a different us.
I think, it’s going to take me some time to come to terms with the idea of for now–after all, how you make it last is a different story. But how you make things unique, how you make things intense while there, how you make it perfect for now, maybe that’s what matters.
Every time you give me that gaze I imagine that your eyes are trying to communicate that I am enough; that I am what you want; that you love me. And every time you do I feel weak a little inside, I fall a little too much, and I wonder how you manage to look at me that way, to possibly think that I am beautiful, maybe. Every time I kiss you when I miss you and I need you and you bounce back with the same passion I fall weak in the knees, and I just wish god oh god, please let her stay a little bit longer for me. Please, please, please, let me make her happy. Let her stay.
Once, you said new churches give you new wishes. I didn’t know what to wish for, you’re already here with me. But I wanted to ensure that God won’t see through me and my faults so I asked if maybe he’d let you stay with me a little longer than usual.
I’m not sure what to offer you.
But I want to keep loving you.
As you are.
As unique as you are.
Never mind my ways. Never mind how things seem parallel with others. It’s us. It’s new. It’s clean slate.
I want us to be unique.
Even just for each other.
-From “I want you to be unique.” I promised to revamp the blog with a shareable content.
