One time lang, mag aargue lang ako sa point mo.



Wag mo ako bigyan ng taning. dahil hindi ko naiintindihan ang punto mo for doing that. You’re not proving a point to yourself, and neither are you stopping yourself from getting hurt by expecting everyone would leave or would inevitably get sick of you. It won’t help if in the future, you would tell yourself, “I knew it.” It doesn’t work that way. You don’t keep waiting for things to fail and for you to be proven right.

You simply just let go of those fears and just….be.



Alam ko. Pretentious. Pero sometimes, it works.

+++++

I’m glad to find that some things do not change.

I found three notebooks containing most of my makeshift planner/diary which I have dutifully (amazingly) filled every day for about two years or so. Some portions of the notebooks have calendar-type notes on them, some have doodles, a lot have writings, diaries, blogs, whatnots. There’s even this message from Aia De Leon of Imago written on a cig foil which I taped to one of the pages.

I found them because I’ve been meaning to re-start another diary-cum-planner. Something to keep things in better perspective. I was leafing through one of the notebooks which I wrapped with black Japanese paper and scribbled poems all over it in yellow ink. Back then it looked cheesy; now that it’s old it looked rather interesting. If only I could take it out without tearing it and re-use it for the new planner. Anyway, a LOT of the entries had too much angst. It was way back in 2004, and truthfully, if it wasn’t caffeine, it was a lot of repressed anger powering me then. I thought Angry was the New Cool. Apparently I was misled. *laughs*

I saw this entry below:

“Pero ano nga ba ang gusto ko?

Gust ko na gigimik sa gabi kasama ang mga taong walang pretentions: sa mundong ok lang kahit pangit ka, o wala kang pera. Mga taong mas madali sa kanila mag express ng sarili. Na gagabihin ako dahil mas comforting ang gabi. Na ako ang nakayakap dahil gusto kong maramdaman nila ang nais kong iparamdam. Na gusto kong mangharang, isandal sa dingding at siilin ng halik na maalab ang taong gusto ko upang maramdaman nila na hindi lang sila ang nangungulila. Na manghahalik ako dahil gusto ko kahit maraming tao dahil ayokong mawala ang pakiramdam na iyon bagkus ay i seize ang moment dahil tulad ng ulam, mas masarap siya pag mainit. Na gusto kong mawalan ng pakialam sa mundo dahil hindi naman nila ako kilala’t maiintindihan.”


- 08 November 2004.

I was writing about being repressed because my mother told me to shape up as I have been coming home late; and that it doesn’t look good for a girl to be showy of emotions.

2004. I was just angrier then. But still, in 2010, I would find that still, there’s still an overwhelming desire to express: for you to understand. That maybe kisses would explain what I can’t. Because such things may be vague, but they’re unusually tangible and fierce.