I found a website which created my prized pendant–something I found while looking for other interesting pendants. See, last week (or two weeks ago) I lost my black dog tag which came with another poorly disguised as dog tag medicine tag, which Dei and Candice call the “totem pole” of smuggled meds. lol. Anyway, Kris went to my station earlier and we were discussing the cool idea of using a USB drive which looked like a memory card, really, (cute idea, btw, and Kris, you have to admit that, too) but she was telling me how stupid it would be to buy a P1k plus “pendant” which I wouldn’t really get to use as a USB anyway. But I have only an old miniature New York plate number / dog tag, and my two house keys (two condos, lol), and I just feel….bare.

Then I realized, I had another pendant, but I kind of can’t have it back. So I looked online to check if somewhere out there, there are stores with stock.

Apparently, they have other designs. Of course, it doesn’t beat my own (plus, the tag that says “for boys and girls in love and war” was ftw), but it did make me miss my pendant. Hayst. I would have gotten another for christmas, but apart from the fact that I don’t think they sell them retail, I’m not sure I’m willing to buy something which is cheaper than the shipping. *huge sigh* Also another fact that I don’t think the site sells them AT ALL. It was mostly for catalog stuff.

I guess I’m gonna have to be more creative about it. Ah, well.

+++

I left my heart at home today.

I left my heart at home today. I was sitting on the floor, staring at the empty space in front of me. I wanted to leap into the nothingness and float, but something stopped me from jumping–it was, alas, my heart.

It was holding on to me tightly, it hurt. Before, I have been wearing my heart on my sleeve, but I figured it was too exposed, so I placed it back on my chest. But it has been throbbing ever since.

So, I decided, just for today, I’d leave it at home. I thought, heart, you were becoming a burden. You were getting too heavy for me. I keep expecting somehow everyday that you would become lighter, even if I know I should start accepting that we both won’t be happy sharing that breathing space. I keep waiting for you to heal, and bringing you with me everyday keep reminding me that you’re not coming back. I don’t think you are. You would have to heal from that state you’re in and start making yourself different from before. You were almost happy, but you slipped and broke yourself again. Clumsy you.

So I did it. I told myself, just for today, maybe. And so I left my heart at home today, then made the jump into the daily nothingness.

And I felt bare. Not necesarily light, just bare.

I left my heart at home today. Tomorrow…I might, too.