Christmas 2005. The first Christmas I was earning the grand to spend for the chilly holidays. Eh ang putanginang work, ayaw paawat. I had to go to the office at 10pm only to find out that work was assigned to the underprivileged few (in short, malas) and that my sweet TL did not even bother informing us of the news. 1 am found me driving with Ger taking the passenger seat and a coworker in the back, ready to be dropped off at home. Christmas spirit, we dropped her at her house to make sure she’s safe, and didn’t bother resisting the urge to greet everyone what with their happiness overflowing. That girl had the most complete family on holidays that we’ve ever seen. Even if they’ve had the My Humps song as an anthem on eternal repeat. It was Christmas. It’s family time even if tomorrow’s bleak.

We dropped by at the town cathedral to witness some post-misa de gallo celebration. Puto bumbong was never better, and the early morning fog mixed with the smoking street food scent made the lights glow better, as it never fails to bring one back to their childhood memories of christmas. We ate our version of noche buena, which was the steamed violet rice pudding and hot goto, and we smiled at the kids running around, forgivably fully awake and waiting for the colorful, neatly wrapped gifts to be given. Is it going to be a toy? Or a new dress they can wear in the morning while they go around for their annual pamamasko? It was always less complicated for them, isn’t it? The desires were never mixed with the worries of tomorrow.

I have to go, I told Ger. We headed towards our subdivision. It was a few minutes past 2 am, and we were anticipating a dim house with nobody around, as my family was supposed to celebrate the 24th over at my sister-in-law’s house. We were just looking for a sign that they were still in that place, and I was keeping myself from sending a message because I wanted to come home to a pleasantly surprised family in the middle of a gaily Noche Buena. But Ger immediately felt my frustration upon driving in front of the house and finding my mother’s bathroom lights on. That only meant they were home. That only meant Noche Buena was over and I wasn’t around. For the first time.

Christmas 2006. I suppose I SHOULD make myself immune to it by now. After two years I’m still in a call center, and after two years, Christmas would still be spent away from them. Worse, chances are, since I barely go home now, the house may be left undecorated. See, my parents are going to California for the holidays, and my dad was saying he wanted to stay until early January. They might leave this month’s second or third week. I have a job which would require my attendance on the 24th and 25th, and my second brother, since he very well can’t spend the night alone, might go over to my eldest brother’s house, and spend it with his family. So our poor house would be left alone again. It hated me everysince I left to stay in our apartment in Alabang, and this Christmas, it’s going to hate me even more.

Only consolation is that Christmas will be spent with Ger for the second time. We have been getting ideas from stores everytime we go around window shopping, and we’re excited with setting up a tree. Maybe one day I’d be asking her to go to Divisoria to look for Christmas stuff. I initially asked my mum to come with me, but I suppose it’s never gonna happen with all the day offs out of sync. Two weeks ago I treated her to a long pending late lunch over pizza, and I just let her pour out most stories I know she kept after I left home. Of course I’m a reluctant keeper, but I’m her daughter still, and I am interested about my mother’s affairs and rages. It keeps me close to her “feelings” perimeter. She loved the day out together. We were supposed to go to her father’s grave that day, but she had the embassy interview scheduled the day after, and she didn’t want to rub elbows with the majority of the public who ran to the cemeteries on November first. It didn’t hurt just treating her out.

My dad is asking me to write down the stuff I wanted him to buy. I’m listing down three, the top on the list is the new Powershot G7 ($598.84). I would have settled for the nice look of the Powershot S3 IS (est $399.99) but it’s only 6mp, and even if it’s an SLR, that’s too low an MP for me. G7 is under the SLR category, while the second item on the list, a Powershot A640 ($378.84), although a close contender in terms of the features (with also a 10mp feat–dig!), is classified as a point and click. Damn it. The third is supposedly a PSP, but I’d really rather have a PS2, except if that happens it’s most likely going to stay at home and I wouldn’t be able to bring that to the apartment. Ang selfish ko naman, di ba. May kapatid rin naman ako. But of course, with the prices of the cameras ranging from P17xxx to P29xxx, and my dad would most likely curse the moment he learns of this. So talk about a useless christmas wishlist. The next thing I’d want is more of those fuck-me-all-night boots (term coined by Mia, our resident über-bitch), which maybe I can ask my mother to get me. Hopefully.

I hope christmas is better for them in California. I don’t think they have snow, but at least my mum would get to see her extended family once more. I’m still looking forward to a good christmas even without my family around. I have a new one after all. And it consists of a great girlfriend and a turtle.