I
I was on my third paracetamol this morning. Just an extreme headache I contracted sometime Sunday afternoon while I was going home. I was supposed to start on the layout of the blog and maybe format some songs on the pod, but I just had to go and tuck myself in at around 8pm. Which is rather early, when every Sunday I usually stay up late up until the house ghosts start the knocking.
It kind of made me feel uneasy though having to sleep on the same bed I always sprawled myself on usually on mornings and not recognize anything about it. At least my family didn’t do anything drastic upon my leaving to move to a temporary abode, unlike Ger’s whose family was too eager to have her move out of the house that everytime she comes home, the need to go back to Alabang is aparent. My mum is still sweet enough to change my sheets, or fix it just in case I come home and I would need a place to crash. My bed now also doubles as a dreamland refuge for my eldest brother whenever he comes home. But when I laid my back on my bed, I didn’t find the same welcome I used to get. Maybe the JC dog didn’t pee too much on the territory or something. I just couldn’t smell ME on the sheets. It doesn’t hug me as much anymore. Led me to wondering if my room has this hurt about me leaving them for another.
This is probably what my brother felt when he went off to get married. Even if it was his home for more than 10 years, it just doesn’t feel too “home” anymore. It’s just a good thing my mum’s there. She the only one who makes things feel like home, even if when I’m around I do get her own weekly rants that she needed to unload. So every Monday when I go back to Alabang, I bring her emotional baggage. *sighs*
But it’s the small things that lead me home. Last night, while the headache consumed me, my mum lay beside me and rubbed my back with this menthol thing that’s supposed to recondition your body. Then she just stayed there, hugging me, giving me warmth.
At least, her smell is around. That’s one thing I look forward to when coming home.
II
I received his text on my way to Alabang. Obviously forwarded, something about how if two lovers separate and remain friends, it’s either they’re still in love or they never loved each other at all. I told him the caring doesn’t stop after the breaking of hearts started.
Somehow, there’s always going to be a tender spot for everyone who has made a mark on me, or me on them. I may not consider them on the same level I used to see them at, but hey, they’re still people I voluntarily look after no matter how much the communication is severed.
III
Last Saturday I was at Giligan’s Makati with Ger as two of her friends celebrated their birthdates. I honestly froze when I saw this girl who looked just like Aiz, a good friend some years back. We had some problems over the years that prompted us to severe communication ties with each other.
I didn’t want to do an episode like two years ago when I had a manic hyper-neuro attack in Ortigas upon learning she’s in the same building I was staying then. I calmly took a deep breath, then looked at the girl again. Mere resemblance was all. Good.
But it was deafening, the realization that things come to reactions such as these. She was also a good person I didn’t want to lose, but it had to come to that. You wonder why things happen, but mostly, you wonder whether you’ve learned enough not to have an unwanted de ja vu.
Have I really learned? I don’t know.
)
September 26th, 2006 at 2:29 am
your house will still look the same but it will
never feel the same. i’ve been living alone in
an apartment for almost 2 years now. but when
i went home to cavite to visit my family, it’s just not
the same.
some feelings are gone, some feelings remain but
less. your room looks the same but as you said, it is not
as accomodating as before. your bed, eventhough there
is still softness, it doesn’t fit your standards anymore.
when you open up your closet, it smells different.
somehow it irritates your nose, you want to bring back the same
old fragrance of your sweat, your perfume plus the newly
washed clothes smelling downy.
the only thing that still remains in that house is the care that
our parents give us.
i can’t talk much about relationship cause i’ve given it
up. got a girlfriend for 5 years then it went kaput.
although we have lost communication, still the care is still
there.
September 26th, 2006 at 2:56 am
I hope I can relate. Really. I only understand most things with emotions through your eyes. Whenever you’d look at me with those eyes that seem to say “that was insensitive”, I take a step back and try harder.
September 26th, 2006 at 3:09 am
And to think that’s just 2-3 weeks away from home. *sigh*
September 26th, 2006 at 3:52 am
sooner or later you will overcome that guilt feeling,
the feeling that you should never insisted on moving to
another place. but, it’s just a matter of time.
let’s give you at least a month or so, well, at least you are
a ride away from home. unlike me,
i’m living in makati right now, before makati, i was
at q.c. i told my dad that i just want to be alone.
i tell you this, it’s VERY hard to live alone.
but, just like the old saying,
after the hardships, you will find peace.
i’m not saying that i’m happy leaving my parents behind,
i’m just happy that they respected my decision.
i miss them though.
September 26th, 2006 at 12:02 pm
I hate it when ex-things suddenly pop back into my waking life. I’d prefer them to stay in my dreams, or nightmares, whichever the case may be.
Moving away from home is a double-edged sword. On one hand, you will definitely feel the loss of what was familiar and beloved. On the other hand, there’s the excitement of novelty and a chance for growth. It’s entirely expected that you feel ambivalent.
Naks. Pwede na bang maningil?
September 27th, 2006 at 12:40 am
Dear amoniputi,
Wala pa kaming ps2.
Love lots,
JC
*snickers*
September 27th, 2006 at 12:47 am
Ex people SHOULD sometimes be kept in the closet. When they go out, they give me hyperventilations.
*Long sigh*
September 27th, 2006 at 1:03 am
lock the closet up so they will
never go out.
gud evening!
September 27th, 2006 at 1:25 am
Ex people often needs to be settled otherwise, circumstances will find a way for to go back to the cycle to be settled. If not now, sooner or later. *closure*
September 27th, 2006 at 2:02 am
DJ: lock them up and they’d haunt you with silent screams. *shivers*
GER: Would I really risk having another cut? Blegh.
September 27th, 2006 at 2:18 am
Well, there are other ways. You don’t have to enounter them face to face. And, SUBUKAN lang. Haha!
September 27th, 2006 at 2:23 am
hey don’t make this a horror movie.
if ever you encounter them, just be silent,
if you have to talk with each other then talk,
it’s suppose to be over now, right?
i know it’s hard to talk, but you
could at least try.
September 27th, 2006 at 2:24 am
oo, kasi magagalit ka rin pag may nakita ka na namang dugo. hehe. :p
September 27th, 2006 at 2:28 am
we often made a mistake,
in every mistake, we learn something….
you will have as many “cuts” as long
as you live, but that will not stop you from
living.
a quote from jessica zafra:
“if it doesn’t kill you,
it’ll make you stronger”
September 27th, 2006 at 2:28 am
deej, para makarelate ka, yung girl kasi na tinutukoy ko sa last part nung post, sa last encounter we had, I got a bad cut sa kamay ko because of her kuko. Argh. And Ger was freaking out because of the bitchfit. Catfight talaga, and bad thing is, I wasn’t even fighting back. Sinalag ko lang (tama ba yung term?) and I also got a bad nose punch, that I thought would result to a nosebleed. :0 Good thing is it didn’t, kung hindi, susugurin siya ni Ger. Hehe.
September 27th, 2006 at 2:30 am
oh sh*t!
papatulan na ba natin? she’s a bitch nga!
September 27th, 2006 at 2:31 am
Yeah. I agree that we often make a mistake, pro if it happens again, No Forgiveness.
September 27th, 2006 at 3:04 am
Well. I do admit I had mistakes, but I don’t understand as well how she could get too brash that she actually punched me in my face. well, it was an almost punch, aiming for my nose. so there. :p
September 27th, 2006 at 3:06 am
Well, never underestimate the power of alcohol.
September 27th, 2006 at 3:16 am
ger: amen to that!!!!
jc: maybe she envy you or something.
September 27th, 2006 at 3:44 am
dJ: No, she’s just mad.
GER: Inom tayo.
September 27th, 2006 at 4:09 am
Surely! When?
September 27th, 2006 at 7:06 am
wtf. gawin bang chat itong comments section. haha. ayoko na ng ps2. uupgrade ko nalang 2ng pc ng bigger ram para makalaro ako ng sims 2.
September 28th, 2006 at 12:46 am
Naisip ko rin yan, eh. Pero pagnaiisip kong hindi ko naman dinadala yung pc sa apartment, eh para ano pa akong nagupgrade ng pc kung hindi naman ako makakapaglaro ng grand theft auto. nyehehe. May laptop rin kami kaso naka win 98 pa so far. Di ko alam kung magkano aabutin ng upgrade.
September 28th, 2006 at 1:18 am
i prefer to buy a new laptop rather than to upgrade
because sooner or later some parts of your upgraded
laptop will be obsolete.
just buy a cheaper one though.
gud pm.
September 28th, 2006 at 2:09 am
Eh bigay ng daddy ni Ger yung laptop na gamit namin ngayon, e.
September 28th, 2006 at 2:37 am
Uy.. somebody’s gonna sponsor our new laptop Babe..:D