I didn’t realize how tiring a retreat can be…

…until I realized my mind and heart got so drained, I wanted to hug the people I miss the most–but while the other was unable to grant my request of a meeting, I came home to my mother’s cold shoulder.

I feel sick. Inside out.

Things are long overdue. I have been procrastinating on everything far too long. And somehow, someday, they’re going to backfire on me. I have to learn things that way.

The pitiful, pathetic, and hurting way.

Sigh. To everyone, I’m so sorry. I am just lost in a limbo for a while.

———

I miss some old things. I miss the times when things weren’t as complicated as now. I wish angst did not get the better of me. But it did. Rational thinking was corrupted.

Or maybe it IS rational thinking that was on full swing, telling me to finally make a stand.

And now, I’m sick of things. I’m sick of the way things are not bending to how I wish they would bend. Things are trying to hit me behind my back. People are putting up plots thinking I would not understand. Please, for crying out loud, my logical thinking may be equal to my drunk self everytime, but I could still think. And I could see behind your actions. And I do know when I should sympathize. Or on some cases, put up a fierce front. because it’s just not funny how you do things anymore.

Forgive me. But I have had enough. When I have finally put my finger on things, your hopes will crumble right before your very eyes. You need to see reality.

Nag loloko ang photobucket account ko. Di ako makapagpost ng maayos.

Di bale. Meron pa akong hanggang the end of the week to post those things. But the sooner the better.

Aaanyway…

Nagc-crave ako ng kiamoy. Oo, yung redish stuff na maalat-alat. Dati bumili kami ng kapitbahay ko ng sandamukal na mga kending akala namin ay kiamoy. Kundol pala yung puta. Nagsuka tuloy kami.

Gusto ko ulit ng kiamoy. Bigyan ninyo naman ako, oh. Promise, kapalit ay pasasalamat pagmamahal na pang habambuhay. O, di ba? Subject to my own discretion pa iyon. So try ninyo na rin.

Sige na. Gusto ko talaga ng kiamoy. *makes puppy eyes*

—–

Just so you know, retreat ko sa Friday.

So bilang online friends ko, nire-require ko kayong igawa ako ng retreat letter. Minimum of ten pages. Verdana. 8pt. Single spaced.

Hehe. Pass out kayo.

Di nga. That would be nice. Send ninyo na lang sa evilpupil@gmail.com. Sige na. Please?

This is the guy I have sworn to love.

Oh god. Teka lang, magtatago lang ako. Baka patayin ako nun for doing this. *laughs*

There was this interesting point that one of my theoretical brothers, Jay E (as Cholo proclaimed me as his new theoretical sister [and with that, also proclaiming Adraiene his theoretical brother-in-law], I now have two gay brothers (kidding, Jay) who “theoretically” shared my mundane spawning for 9 months inside my mother’s placenta), have told Adraiene while I was having a heated (not to mention sugar-high) argument with JP last night in front of De La Salle University - Dasmari�as’ 7-11 branch. The other would loyally tell me while on the way home that Jay claims that since I have got on with him, it seems I have forgotten how to go home. Like it seemed I have gotten so dependent of the guy.

“Eh dati nga umuuwi ng [mag-isa ng] alas-kuwatro ng madaling araw yun, eh!” Jay says with a laugh.

First off, I can still get home alone at around 4 am, thank you very much. And secondly, believe me when I say he was sooo dead unserious when he was saying that.

Celebrating the 105th day together, I don’t have much of the credibility to speak of dependency. Compared to every inane relationships that have gone before my spawning, I have no real edge in explaining such things either. But coming to think of it, in more ways than one I have found my self conforming to a lot of things I haven’t really thought of being involved in since more than four months ago.

I guess, it has been more than just going home finally not alone. A few months before this day nobody bothered to call up anyone to ask if I got home okay unless my parents realize they wake up not finding me abusing the internet connection in the wee hours of the morning. Nobody would really ask for my company unless everyone has gone and I was the last resort. Nobody would find me missing unless they have another one of those group seatworks and they need another member ready to help save a few students’ asses, or unless Juret needs to work out the thesis bugs. And I’m sure as hell nobody would notice me at HF missing either until Maycee, my beautiful editor (I’m going to be late on one of my articles again, so I’m sucking up), realizes she’s a few articles short and I haven’t complied yet.

Before, I can go on anywhere without anyone asking where I would be going. I would come to class one time and tell them of things I found out, like a free movie screening at the deep recesses of Cubao, and they’d just be surprised I made it there alone. I’d meet up with a few guys at gigs and go home alone, admittedly even drunk sometimes, at 3 or 4 am. And yes, I can go home alone and give nary a care for that.

I’m not a loner, really. I may be a little introverted sometimes, but I’d like to think I was more of independent. With a lot of things. In fact, one of the things I was afraid of before when it comes to relationships is that I’d alienate my partner by asking for too much time and space alone.

But in the span of more or less three months, I have actually developed a different kind of attitude–in fact, habit–of being involved. Now, there’s the matter of informing the other where you are, what you’re doing, if you’ve eaten, if you’re fucking someone else. Okay, I was kidding on the last sentence. But now, everything has more or less involved interaction, give-and-take, information, attention and the dreaded four-letter-word. Once, I have told him I miss the space. I miss the independence, I miss the silence my phone brings. One day I woke up to no registered missed calls, no messages, and definitely no posts on the site messsage board or any other channel of communication. No anything. Found myself dreadfully worried. Just when I surmised he was sleeping, I found out on the later part of the day that he was just giving me the space I so longed for.

I was so irritated. Mostly on the fact that I realized how greatly I have changed.

Bjork–although sometimes her lyrics can get creepy–has this nice song about human behavior. It’s amazingly weird and hard to figure out, this human behavior, but still amazingly attractive. One minute, just when you thought you understand everything, you find everything lost.

And like that, I have also lost the things I believed I knew. And what’s more, I have adjusted. I may claim to not have lost most of what I believe in, but I have adjusted. I have adjusted to the idea of being in a relationship, and most of all, I have adjusted to becoming half a dependent. If that’s how they call it. Like a lot of things in this world, I have adjusted. Bad thoughts, internet, cheating, dropping promises and other things. I have adjusted.

I can still get home at 4 am. Don’t worry about me. I’m just trying to think what will happen if things get ugly just when I have adjusted. I wonder if my eyes would still be as dry as I found them before I tried to get home at 4 am. Alone.

tambak ng trabaho.

Daming ASS-ignments.

May pending pang articles.

Mahabahabang transcriptions na gagawin.

Mga websites na dapat tapusin.

Isa lang ang katapat niyan…

Isang malupit na hi. May sun sim na ako. Tawagan ninyo na lang ako sa 0922.450.1514 Sabihin ninyo, “Kaya mo yan, JC!” or “Cute ka pa rin, JC!” Para mauplift ako.