Everything that is me, or constitutes me, is fear. Or so Marc lectured me while we were trying to make our way home amidst drunkness or tipsyness, as Marc would put it.
Truth is, I don’t even wish to think about it. I’m just thinking about my vulnerability being exploited. I mean, I was drunk. In fact, I still am. And I couldn’t think of anything to say to magic. Or even fucking love at first sight. Or just plainly love.
Hey you. You wanna talk about it? I don’t believe in it, Why fucking should I? Once I tried not to think about it, tried to deny everything I logically came up with, and I got stung. And I’m relatively telling the truth, because I’m drunk. Siege calls it the exposure of vulnerability because all your defenses are down if you’re drunk. Defenses, my ass. I’m drunk and I’m still typing because I feel no one really understands except the cyberspace. And Marc too, but he’s already at home.
A while ago I was trying to text someone to ease up my burdens, but I ended up easing none. Here’s what I said but didn’t send anyway:
I miss you kaagad. Nung nandito ka, ikaw ang kakausapin ko. You’re just this girl I always talk to when I had something I wanted to talk about. You’re in Australia now. Not that I’m trying to integrate you as an instant bestfriend, but amazingly I get to open up to you before when you still easily can reply. Now I’m just in the pits, and practically no one’s available.
I didn’t send that, but I’m still looking for a person to talk to. Am I being stupid? In a way yes. But am I also being too foolishly stupid? Oh, a lot. My heart wouldn’t even want to talk about it. It says I’m too drunk for that.
But please, help me. I’m fast NOT falling in love (my consciousness is trying to deny it). Oh please, not when I’m drunk, please!!
