Thursday :

Is it me, or is Island Cove really looking bleak? I�m not sure, but the greens in the trees seem to be really sad. Hopefully my relatives won�t notice.

I met my cousins from San Francisco this morning, and they seem to be eager to meet me, but as much as the feeling�s mutual, my communication skills aren�t. Yeah, amazing…I�m taking up communications as an undergraduate degree and yet I�m communications deficit. Figure that out.

Not that I didn�t try talking to them. I did, in fact, but the right topics aren�t coming out. And I�m torn between the ages of my two cousins too–Vicky, the youngest, is 12, while Theo, the second son, is 16. The former is a kid hurrying to grow up to be able to party, and is at the same time still attached to her age, while the latter is a wise-beyond-his-years kid whose laughter I honestly haven�t heard. Talk if I must about boys and other things with the younger kid, I will, but such things would be trivial for the brother who seemed to want to talk about knowledge and books and photography and other stuff all day long. It is not that I am not interested–I am in fact looking forward to pseudo-intellectual discussions (pseudo, would be from me; intellectual stuff, would be from him) about my newly bought The Da Vinci Code, or the books he gave which I have been looking for everywhere but failed to find available and cheap (Trainspotting and A Clockwork Orange). He�s a self-proclaimed insomniac and would breeze through a dozen paperbacks till morning. I heard he�s into computers, so I wouldn�t be surprised if he dabbles with html too. And geez, I can sniff a geek within a two-meter radius (yes, only that small) and I�m excited by the prospect of one in my cousin. I�m just afraid I would run out of things to say, at the same time fail with my grammar. Or with my simple sentence constructions going out of sync.

Sigh. You know, I�m actually typing on a word processor about nothing because I�m hoping something might come out of these nothings. I�m inside my Aunt�s hotel room while they�re all enjoying the place. I�m also typing a lot of words with an average erasing speed of 30 words per minute as soon as I type them. Whaddya know, I�m a day overdue with my features deadline, but hopefully this one I would be able to send to the Features Ed�s email this afternoon. I�m worrying still about my news. My fingers are bleeding with too much biting. I needed a diversion and I found it in this…god, ever the mild neurotic.

Saturday:

He found me sitting on the steps of the admin building. Why are you alone, he asked. He was lugging a huge bag, and was somewhat trying to catch his breath.

I looked up from my mobile phone � something I have been absentmindedly staring at for a few minutes now.

Do you have a minute?

His brows furrowed. Sure.

I just talked to the EIC, I started as he was starting to sit beside me. Has he talked to you yet? He was supposed to talk to all of the staff members, I believe. Oh, yeah, I forgot, you�re part of the EB.

He nodded. I�ll check on that.

Well, there, I half whispered. He checked me up regarding the meeting we weren�t able to attend last Wednesday, and some follows-up regarding the banner. I�m…I�m just sad, I guess. Disappointed. My editor told him I seem reluctant to oblige to doing the article or that I was looking for excuses not to do it. Like sometimes I don�t want to go to the office or something. But…God knows I�m not reluctant! I swear. I mean, ask JP and he�d tell you I�d ask him things about the banner or I�d pester him for discussions about it so I would understand things clearly, I heavily said. I could feel my lips trembling.

And it�s not that I don�t want to go to the office, it�s just that my Aunt�s family is here from the states and the past week has been crowded as it is…everybody�s demanding something from me, I cried. Tuesdays and Thursdays…we don�t have classes so I�m compelled to somehow stay at home and help with the general house cleaning. God knows even while I needed to be at Island Cove just because my parents required my attendance there I was typing like crazy and mulling over my homework on the laptop and everybody�s just going around happily. And people at my house don�t know anything. My parents, I haven�t told them about me being in a publication because I�m afraid for them…I know them well enough that they�re going to expect too much from me afterwards.

When are you going to tell them? He asked.

Hopefully never, I replied. Or maybe after I graduate. I mean, that�s just months from now anyway. Every time I tell them I need to do some article I just reason a nonexistent project on pending.

It�s just heavy for me, I guess. Too melodramatic as I may look, but it�s just…heavy. You guys know how much I always wanted to work for HF and…I guess the EIC telling me my Ed thinks I don�t wish to take part hurts me a lot. It�s not that I don�t want to take part…I really do want to! But the week has been too busy for me. And I can�t understand too why my Ed had to tell the EIC directly…I mean, my Ed always told me if I had problems I must tell her freely, and now that she had a problem on me she won�t even tell me. It�s just disappointing, I guess. It�s disappointing that I have to cry alone too to get all these out…if you hadn�t come along, I�d still probably wait here for some divine intervention… my voice slowly faded.

Have you told your Ed about it?

No, not yet. I don�t know how I am going to tell her anyway, I replied.

Well, maybe you also can�t blame your Ed, he slowly said. I mean, she did tell you to confide with her and you�re opening up to JP more about the subject…he�s the Sports Ed, for god�s sake, so you can�t expect her to do what you expected she might have done.

Yeah, I guess so, I replied. But I�m more confident with opening up to JP than to my Ed. And she also had to report something to the EIC, so maybe that�s why these happened. It�s just frustrating for my self mostly…I guess I really wasn�t doing my best after all.

That�s okay, he said. When I was an apprentice too I felt like I would never live up to the expectations of my Ed. It�s going to pass after some time. Let time open up things for you.

I just nodded. I couldn�t say much anyway.

For now though, dry your eyes. He said. He started to rise up. We have to go up and get our things up there in the office because everyone�s about to leave.

They are? I asked bewilderedly. I saw the other staff trickling out of our office on the second floor.

We both bolted for the steps towards the office. I somehow eased up my burden. For now, that would be enough.

——————–

I still haven�t told my Ed about it. I just can�t open up to her for now. Last Saturday we had this team building/seminar for the publication the whole day, and although I was glum, I still tried to cooperate with them. After all, feelings must not always mix with work.

But I�ll try to practice what I�m going to tell her. I�ll tell her I�m sorry if I seem too reluctant for her. I�ll tell her the reason I may seem like I�m slacking off is that I�m trying to take my mind off things, because doing half of the banner story as my second attempt at news writing for the publication given that I�m an apprentice scared the beejezus out of me. I mean, who the hell won�t be scared? Although I believe everything she has been saying that an apprentice would be able to pull off something like that, and it would be through those things that we would be able to learn…it�s still scary for someone insignificant like me.

I�ll tell her too I�d try to work more on it next time. And that I�d really devote more time to things she assign.

And that I�m really sorry. As in, really. I�ll try not to do it again. First time on the job and I�m giving the wrong impressions. Hopefully they�d stay as merely plain impressions. With a bit of luck I�d be able to prove I�m fit for the job.