It’s more of an homage. It’s has to be in THIS order. :p

Sorry. Tinatamad akong magpost ng mahaba.

The tower
Vienna Teng

the one who survives by making the lives
of others worthwhile
she’s coming apart
right before my eyes
the one who depends on the services she renders
to those who come knocking
she’s seeing too clearly what she can’t be
what understanding defies

she says I need not to need
or else a love with intuition
someone who reaches out to my weakness and won’t let go
I need not to need
I’ve always been the tower
but now I feel like I’m the flower trying to bloom in snow

she turns out the light anticipating night falling
tenderly around her
and watches the dusk
the words won’t come
she carries the act so convincingly the fact is
sometimes she believes it
that she can be happy the way things are
be happy with the things she’s done

reach out
but hold back
where is safety
reach out
and hold back
where is the one who can change me
where is the one
the one
the one

reach out
but hold back
where is safety
reach out
and hold back
where is the one who can save me
where is the one
the one
the one

 
oasis - wonderwall
From the album Unknown album

Today is gonna be the day
That they’re gonna throw it back to you
By now you should’ve somehow
Realised what you gotta do
I don’t believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

Backbeat the word is on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I’m sure you’ve heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don’t believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
But I don’t know how
Because maybe
You’re gonna be the one that saves me?
And after all
You’re my wonderwall

Today was gonna be the day?
But they’ll never throw it back to you
By now you should’ve somehow
Realised what you’re not to do
I don’t believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About vou now

All the roads that lead you there are winding
Ail the lights that Iight the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
But I don’t know how
I said maybe
You’re gonna be the one who saves me?
And after all
You re my wonderwall
I said maybe
You’re gonna be the one who saves me?
And after all
You’re my wonderwall
I said maybe
Your gonna be the one that saves me
Your gonna be the one that saves me
Your gonna be the one that saves me

Unaffected
Hoobastank

[1st verse:]

There never seems to be
Because what i believe
A moment i’m not trying
To show them who i am
Why can’t they understand
The things that they’re denying?

They’re denying…..

[chorus:]

So what should i do
Just lay next to you
As though i’m unaffected
And who should i be
When they’re judging me
As though i’m unaffected?

[2nd verse:]

A chance they’d never give
To ever want to live
The life that i am made of
There’s nothing left to prove
My heart’s forever true
What is it they’re afraid of?

Afraid of…..

[chorus:]

So what should i do
Just lay next to you
As though i’m unaffected
And who should i be
When they’re judging me
As though i’m unaffected?

Before they even say my face
The knew that i was not the same
And decided i was not the one for you
For you…..

So what should i do?
I’m not unaffected
And who should i be?
I’m not unaffected

[chorus:]

So what should i do
Just lay next to you
As though i’m unaffected
And who should i be
When they’re judging me
As though i’m unaffected?

Unaffected…[repeat 4 times]

One, Jp corrected me on my entry, two blogs below. He’s right. I meant to write Jerry Springer, and not the commedian, Jerry Seinfeld (or field.).

And two, I retract half of what I said the last time I was drunk. That’s two nights ago.

Yeah. Some of them I do not even wish to remember. Was just on the verge of information overload for one week.

Everything that is me, or constitutes me, is fear. Or so Marc lectured me while we were trying to make our way home amidst drunkness or tipsyness, as Marc would put it.

Truth is, I don’t even wish to think about it. I’m just thinking about my vulnerability being exploited. I mean, I was drunk. In fact, I still am. And I couldn’t think of anything to say to magic. Or even fucking love at first sight. Or just plainly love.

Hey you. You wanna talk about it? I don’t believe in it, Why fucking should I? Once I tried not to think about it, tried to deny everything I logically came up with, and I got stung. And I’m relatively telling the truth, because I’m drunk. Siege calls it the exposure of vulnerability because all your defenses are down if you’re drunk. Defenses, my ass. I’m drunk and I’m still typing because I feel no one really understands except the cyberspace. And Marc too, but he’s already at home.

A while ago I was trying to text someone to ease up my burdens, but I ended up easing none. Here’s what I said but didn’t send anyway:

I miss you kaagad. Nung nandito ka, ikaw ang kakausapin ko. You’re just this girl I always talk to when I had something I wanted to talk about. You’re in Australia now. Not that I’m trying to integrate you as an instant bestfriend, but amazingly I get to open up to you before when you still easily can reply. Now I’m just in the pits, and practically no one’s available.

I didn’t send that, but I’m still looking for a person to talk to. Am I being stupid? In a way yes. But am I also being too foolishly stupid? Oh, a lot. My heart wouldn’t even want to talk about it. It says I’m too drunk for that.

But please, help me. I’m fast NOT falling in love (my consciousness is trying to deny it).  Oh please, not when I’m drunk, please!!

As I’m writing this, I imagine Candice would be estimated 30,000 feet above the…Pacific? I’m geographically dumb, so I’m basing it on estimation. It’s 1:12 am so majority of the people on board that plane would be sleeping (not including the pilot and his crew, hopefully), and if our girl is sleeping then she wouldn’t be able to harrass the crew like I asked her not to a while ago, or if she’s being her ADH self, she would most likely be contemplating on how to set the plane on fire.

Oh, wait, that’s not Candice. I was talking about what I would have done if I were up there. Sorry, I got distracted.

If she isn’t sleeping maybe she’s reading a book, comfortably sitting (malamang) near the window. Or maybe looking outside, waiting for traces of Australia to appear. Or just marvelling at the cloud formations. (On how she would be able to do that on a pitch black sky, I wouldn’t know.)

Whatever I’m imagining she might be doing right now, it doesn’t help much on getting rid of this sad feeling inside me. Or even the strange habit of checking my phone for a message coming from her even if it’s somehow impossible. (May signal ba sa taas? Wala pa akong phone nung huli akong napunta ng 30,000 feet.) These coming from me, a person who have been somewhat close to Candice mostly because of our constant correspondence through texting these past few days. I wonder how the others who have truly been close to her are doing.

——

I was browsing through my inbox a while ago, and I just couldn’t help but grin on those messages I have saved. I don’t know when I would finally clean up my inbox, but I probably won’t be able to do it again, even if it does delay incoming messages sometimes after my inbox easily gets filled up. There’s something from Candz and her being a weirdo in highschool. And Jace and his initial mis-sent text. And Tina’s. And Kristine Fonacier’s and Bernie Sim’s (MTV Ink kids). And a few more different people.

I don’t think I would really be able to erase them, at least not in the near future. At this point they serve not only as a memory refresher and a smile initiater, but it also does spark up something in me that makes me realize I have been so blessed that in my life I was able to meet these fantastic people. It’s enough to temporarily lift me up, anytime of the day.

——

Something perverted this way comes.

I chanced upon this weird tv show on a lesser-popular local channel a while ago, something like a milder version of Jerry Seinfield. They guested this guy who admittedly housed all three of his women in one boarding house. I was laughing and cussing so hard I had to take down notes about their lives.

Rey–that’s the guy’s name– is this homely, good-for-nothing jobless lazy sleazebag who was initially married to Marilou, this late 30-ish woman who’s a self-confessed workaholic. Apparently Rey used that as an excuse to look for another girl, found in the persona of Leah, an 18 year old boarder. Leah claims to have not known Rey had a wife up until recently because Marilou was always out of the house. Still not contented, he also took in Jenny, another 18 year old boarder. Turned out he had a knack for “fresh meat”.

Amazingly, Jenny also didn’t know Rey was married, and was told that Leah was a cousin. But even more amazingly, Jenny turned out to be Rey’s cousin, which they later found out when her mother came to visit. After his stupidities were found out, Rey pinned the blame on Marilou, saying she had no time for him, aside from claiming he doesn’t love her. The woman, ever the idiot, then devised a way to settle everything (because she says she felt a bit guilty): Mondays and Tuesdays he stays with her, Wednesdays and Thursdays he stays with Leah, Fridays and Saturdays he romps with Jenny. She says she couldn’t kick them out of the dormitory because she just doesn’t have the heart to do so.

Near the end of the show, Rey reckons he only loves Leah, and with a smug smile the latter claims she’ll stay for him. Marilou lets him get away with things because she says she doesn’t want to have a broken family. Jenny tells the host she’s going to move on and leave the dorm, something she decided on after she found out they were cousins.

Amazing. They’re all stupid enough not to know this was happening UNDER ONLY ONE ROOF. The confession happened only lately.

Moral of the story: head over to Vicky Belo and have your face grotesquely revamped, then incorporate a smug attitude and fire yourself from your job: you’d get more girls under one roof and get away with it than Brad Pitt could ever manage.

——-

I just learned something new from Eric James the other day, while we were checking out sites at the HF office. By clicking on your site meter and checking out your stats page, there is actually a page where you can check out your referrals, or basically the pages that led your visitors to your site. Amazingly, most of them came from Yahoo and Google. Guess what those people were searching for before they ended up in my site.

Mark Herras’ photos.

What the fuck.

Wicked. I got a lot of site hits because of that guy. I don’t even remember discussing anything that concerned him. And I don’t care if he came from De La Salle - Dasmarinas too. I don’t like him associated with my website.

But then again, if it meant more visitors, then what the hell:

Mark Herras. Rainier whateverhisgoddamnsurnameis. Oh, wait–Rainier Castillo. Right. Hero Angeles. Sandara Park. Jorros (di ko alam ang apelyido niya). Star Circle Quest. Star Circle Teen Quest. Star Circle Kids Quest. SCQ. Starstruck. Starstruck Kids.SCQ Reloaded. Sandara’s Romance. Dion Ignacio. Jennelyn Mercado. Yasmien Kurdi. Blah, blah, blah.

Yan. Para yan sa mga web spiders ng Google. He he. At kung gusto ko naman ng may lebel, pwede rin ito: Cindy Kurleto. MTV, MTV Ink, Pulp, Pulp Community, Rock, Philippine Rock, Indie, Philippine Indie, Imago, Sandwich, Narda, Purple Chickens, 6 Cycle Mind, Eraserheads, Dirty Kitchen, Paramita, Silent Sanctuary, Boldstar, Marty Mc Fly, Itchyworms, Cambio, Sugarfree, Twisted Halo, Happy Meals, Color It Red, Olympic Smoker, Kjwan, Fuseboxx, Day dream cycle, Weedisneys, Sugarfree, Silverfilter, Monsterbot, Aia de Leon, Tim Cacho, Zach Lucero, Myrene Academia, Raimund Marasigan, Marc Abaya, Diego Mapa, Ebe Dancel, Kris Gorra-Dancel, Vin Dancel, lahat-lahat na. Wala na akong maisip.

Pagbigyan ninyo na ako, inaantok na naman kasi ako, eh.

What do you know, relatives are now on their way to Thailand, but I’m still in the middle of thinking what exactly I have been fucking up these past few days.

I can’t seem to do everything I have promised my self I would do. My days are passing by in a whirl, nothing’s getting accomplished. I’m overlapping some of my stuff.

I couldn’t seem to be a bit more friendly to my cousins. Try as might, I’m just becoming more and more communications deficit. They’re gone now and I still can’t  get over it.

I can’t even update my site much. Blackmoon’s complaining to me. I still can’t fix the fucked up javascript. And can’t fix my other sites either. I miss my gigs.

And I’m missing a lot of people. Candz, Tina, Jace, Noel, Cris, Tani, Meme, Max, Aia, whatevers. Whoevers. I missing people I can’t even make my friends because plainly, I have no time to think. Nor make my next move. I’m using my time up for too much melancholy for things I shouldn’t even be sad about. Like upon learning that J is actually taken. I’m not even pursuing whatever I thought I’m feeling for J, but I just felt sad. Another probability missed.

Sorry. I just need to take my pill, that’s all.
———————

On the lighter side:

A friend was singing “And She Will Be Loved” a while ago. I have approximately heard that song for around more or less a hundred times this week. 80% from my mp3 endless repeat, 20% from the outside. It’s becoming an upper.

But come think of it, it’s becoming an omen. I always wanted that to become the anthem of my 18th year, but so far, no one’s singing that to me yet. At least the people I would have wanted to sing that to me didn’t know. Or wouldn’t dare anyway. And in a few months, the song’s going to be invalid.

Check the lyrics. You’ll realize what I mean.

——————-

Sarah McLachlan on the background. Angel.

Darn it. Another reason to remember her. As if being in a publication office isn’t enough. And being in La Salle isn’t enough. I need to exorcise her thoughts.