Of Mild Body-Slammings and Silent Thoughts.

I didn’t realize how mushy songs can really get especially if one’s on the brink of pulling his/her hairs out, also known as the mad-scientist way of freaking out. For one, I didn’t assume that I would actually extract deep sentiments from Moonstar88’s song Torete (if there really are real sentiments on that song) in the middle of hundreds of people standing inside the open-field known as the Wow Philippines landmark, with also a hundred or so kids trying to fake a mosh pit in front of the lead singer’s swaying hips. Sure, fake yourselves kiddies, but I honestly don’t think Torete’s such a good song you could start a riot with (and stupidly flash peace signs afterwards), but anyway as long as I’m far from those bastards, I don’t really mind. But to be caught in the middle of NU 107’s Summer Shebang at Intramuros while waiting for JP (with Max to follow after 8pm) alone in the crowd with Moonstar88 belting out the hopeful lyrics with again the lonely sunset complementing the freaky mild melancholy mood that seemed to emerge from�whoa!…me�is first and foremost ridiculous, and of course, emoting to the song is another.

�sana ay maabot ang langit / Ang ‘yong mga ngiti, sana ay masilip� / Huwag kang magaalala / Di ko ipipilit sa iyo / Kahit na lilipad ang isip ko�y torete sa ‘yo�

Amazing. I have known this song before, but it’s just wonderful how it suddenly pops up JUST WHEN YOU DON’T WISH TO THINK OF THE CONCERNED. Apt should be erased in the dictionary especially if it’s going to be used sarcastically, dammit. I sadly pulled one of the cigarettes I stuck earlier in my wristwatch’s belt and looked at the stage. People were just starting to pounce around, I was starting to watch stiffly and act nonchalant. Hah. Nonchalant my ass. If I had not proclaimed that I’m the queen of stoic unperturbed soul, it would probably hurt more. But which is ailing? The ego or the desire that had played around with false hopes? I slowly shook my head. I can�t believe reason dictates it’s the latter.

Ilang gabi pa nga lang / Nang tayo’y pinagtagpo / Na parang may tumulak / Nanlalamig, nanginginig nga ako

It’s just shitty. I could have admired how the place looks a lot like a bigger Big Sky Mind minus the chairs and the house, or I could have wandered around like usual, wondered at the sight of black avril lavigne/islaapshaack/tsikoski/keso clones or puffed them all into oblivion like I could most probably have done if this happened before and my distraction involved someone else. Maybe I would have bought cans of Red Horse and I’ll make my way unto the weird “jologs” (I’m quoting Diether Ocampo) crowd and slam along with them, in high hopes that I would not have malignant breast cancer afterwards. I could have elbowed everyone in the crowd with the possibility that they would return the blow and I’d feel a different kind of pain instead�okay, so maybe not the them-elbowing-me kind of thing, but at least a diversion.

Akala ko nung una / May bukas ang ganito / Mabuti pang umiwas / Pero salamat na rin at nagtagpo�

I am not hurting that bad of course, but it’s just irritating how a series of possible alternatives are shown to your face, and not one of them is presenting a good view of what�s to come. It’s a huge question you’re just itching to get away from: if ever it happens, so what? Walang bukas ang ganito, mabuti pang umiwas. Pero salamat na rin. We’re both hanging from the yarns of tangled threads of fate, and you just know that none of the ends meet where you both might be hanging together. Either the other thread runs short, or the other end is tangled up with another thread that�s meant to run on a better course. We’re just both hanging–or at least, I’M hanging. As usual, he doesn�t know. Anything new? Pero huwag kang magalala. Di ko sasabihin sa iyo.

Last night, I have resolved to put the cork back where it belongs. I’m going to start brainwashing myself, conditioning my thinking that nothing’s going to happen anyway, that it’s a one sided thing, and that we’re just forever going to be friends. Nothing extra out of the ordinary. I’m going to just make myself realize that things are the same, except I’m just going to look at things differently. That things ought to be taken for what it is; that reading between the lines brings nothing fruitful. It’s just going to STOP�but if only theories and words can easily be done.

Hi guys. Updates rare, I know. But with my OJT consuming most of my time again, I can’t promise write ups. I mean, I had to cancel promised after-work dates with Phanie and JP at Glorietta because of the irregular work hours. But I’m assuring you I�m still fine. Brain still functional, eyes in the right sockets, psychosis still mild. And still having fun.

Anyway, I’ve updated the OJTfiles blog section. Check it out anytime–http://www.ojtfiles.blogspot.com. For the mean time, I’ll just sleep again. I sorely need it. Excuse me. (closes laptop, throws it somewhere, then starts to sleep.)

Just a question, please?

Why do people, especially those who are in their thirties or late twenties above, consider play as something very childish, when in fact, it is timeless? Why is it that it has to be forever associated with kids? Why is it that when someone plays with kids, or just plainly plays, people go, ‘you’re not a kid anymore, grow up, be mature.’ Why is playing the basis of one’s maturity? Have people really stopped bothering to play when they reached this point that they are mainly concerned with �matters of consequence�?

I’m just at this part in the book Sophie�s World where Sophie was playing with a bunch of Lego bricks, and her mom goes, oh, good, you’re playing with Lego again, or something like that. Sophie answers in this rather “mature-ish” voice that she denies she was playing with Lego, she was doing something philosophical with it. It’s just that, playing has been a good form of relaxation, and as much as it is associated to the youth, older people can still forget about most of the world and be immersed in something relaxing and at the same time entertaining while still tending to “matters of consequence,” right? Or just plainly, why do we have to plainly forget this form of entertainment when we grow up?

From the “Insanity in the City” Files
Wednesday, April 21, 2004
Recorded by Trainee #06, JC at around 2:56 AM
RE: DAY 3
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I can just say un-elaborately that we were just ordered around, or we had to just follow everyone around. If I was entirely pessimistic, I can say that was merely what our jobs were yesterday, and I can even cook it up to look even lamer. But I wasn’t looking at things like that yesterday and right now, in fact, I’m actually very optimistic, and it’s not hard not to: we were blessed with great people around that made sure we were really involved and we would learn, although we were doing things more than 14 hours a day.

To start our day, we have to pick up a lot of things up at RS Video/film Production in Makati at 5:00 am. Shit. I mean, at five am, I’m normally still dreaming about weird things.

Jurette and EJ came 10-15 minutes late, so we had to rush to RS Video in order to avoid being late. We picked up production things that cost a little less than 10 thousand for the rentals. EJ, being the guy, went with the production van while we rode on the fx they rented for the production staff. We arrived thirty minutes earlier at the client’s place, but that doesn’t make us relax a little: we had to fuss whether the materials were complete, whether the building was fixed, and whether the papers were okay. On top of that, we also had to give the production staff FF rented their breakfast at a nearby Mc Donalds.

At 7:30, people started trickling in. Ms. C soon started giving orders, while Ike, Gen’s director of photography, started to work with Gen on the building’s facade and on the staff of the client. The whole day we had to contend with the lights, the lines, the extensions. We of course worked as production assistants, and lived the day far more than that: we were bag carriers, camera toters, camera battery changers, staff barkers (that being people barking the orders to those people of the client who fucking refused to cooperate), order executers, shot listers, and over-all in chargers. The Director and DOP also had to check with us frequently if there were shots to be made, and what other shots were on the list, and other things. The whole day it was just insan, and considering we had only four hours of sleep, things were not looking good.

We even had to add a chapel location. It could have been okay, except… it was a funeral chapel. We also had to do crowd control because people thought there were going to be celebrities, aside from the fact that they were just plain curious. Can’t do much about that, I guess. Things wrapped up at around 8 PM, although the entire process took about thirty minutes or so. By 8:30 we were on our way to UP Teachers’ Village for a dinner at this place that served Persian food.

Afterwards, we still had to go to Makati because Jurette had to tally some of the expenses. She was put in charge for the money, and I’m just thankful for that I guess, because at least I don’t have to withdraw fucking 13 thousand from someone’s ATM account and have it stuffed in my pocket. We helped her with the computing because she was in this sudden case of memory block (she couldn’t remember the other expenses), and thankfully it tallied with the amount taken. EJ had to get his ID from the guard below because he forgot about it the other day. I took my new ID from the office too.

11 pm, that was when we were just starting to head for Ayala Ave. We were going home finally.

Goodness.

Anyway, that was last night. Today, Ms. C proclaimed this as rest day. Thursday, we’re back on a hectic schedule. Sigh. Thank god. Bring it on to us while we can still last, and while we’re still enjoying.

(Blog transfer from the now down http://ojtfiles.blogspot.com:
The Dummkopf goes to the city…to, uh, work? Oh God.)

From the “Insanity in the City” Files
Monday, April 19, 2004
Recorded by Trainee #06, JC at around 11:47 PM
RE: DAY 2
_____________________________________________

We were back to our casuals at ten o’clock in the morning, for our technically second day at Filmless Films. Two of the other FF people were there, the usual two whom we often meet around. Since they both have the same first names, we’ll just call them K1 and K2: K1’s also the Project Coordinator of .mov, this soft spoken girl who attended to us when we first passed our resumes. I don’t know what k2 does (I mean, her position per se, since of course I’m sure she does a lot), but she had made her mark on me as this smile-a-lot girl who seemed pretty sincere with her humor, and she seemed very nice too. K1’s almost the same only in a rather shy/soft manner, and we’re thankful for that, since at least the atmosphere inside FF is something we might easily get used to, aside from that we also do not have to contend with snobbish people.

We had to wait for two hours because apparently Ms. C, the head who’ll supervise us, was out and was doing something somewhere else, so we had to wait for further orders. K1 and K2 did their best to talk to us despite their works, so they made themselves more endearing to us than they intended to.

By around twelve the three of us, Jurette, EJ and I, were called to go down the building to meet up with Ms. C who we later on found inside a waiting taxi somewhere near the area. Jeff and Raymund, our other two classmates who went to have their OJT with us at Filmless Films too, stayed inside the office with the two Ks. Later on we learned they were just inside the office the whole day, fiddling with Photoshop filters.

We went to Hit Productions, this Ad production that had their own recording studio. One of their main people is Rivermaya’s Rico Blanco, told Ms. C while we were on the cab going to Makati Cinema Square. Actually I recall Hit Productions’ name from JD, my classmate whose buddy Raissa worked for the production, and true enough, when we got there I found Raissa on their waiting area/canteen. She thought I was doing my training at Saatchi, but she was nevertheless glad to see me; she was one of my seniors back when our organization was at full blast in producing departmental TV productions. We were then ordered to copy a few papers, after which we took lunch, then headed to the production area. They were dubbing something for the client FF was currently working an AVP for, so we just looked around how they were editing the stuff, although we were aware how those things are done anyway. After an hour or so we all went down with the client’s contact to discuss some things regarding a shoot the next day.

Ms. C started to brief us about what the whole shoot’s going to be about after the clients were gone and we were just waiting for the final output. Apparently, since there was going to be a shoot for the next day, she wanted us to scout the place with us, after we pick up the guy who’s going to be the director for that production. We started to like her immediately. She seemed to always reach out to us, telling stuff about anything as we go around. From Makati we headed to Quezon City after we picked Gen, Ms. C’s nephew who’s the director for that production. Bringing a video camera along (still cam is better, Gen argues, but with the availability of it, the video cam would just have to suffice), Gen took shots of the area while we wandered around taking notes from Ms. C’s directions. Just looking around the area took us until 7pm. Goodness.

Afterwards, we went to Khavn’s place to look for some DVDs that can be used for the production. When only a few turned up, we looked for some in Video 48, this store with a vast collection of videos up near Mushroom Burger.

Never thought it would actually be that exhausting for our first day–actually, it’s the change of locations that made us exhausted. Tomorrow, we’re needed to be in Makati at 5 am. Oh lord.

(Blog transfer from the now down http://ojtfiles.blogspot.com:
The Dummkopf goes to the city…to, uh, work? Oh God.)

So far, I learned two important things when I went to Big Sky Mind at E. Rodriguez last night for the first time. Big Sky doesn�t have anything to do much about my realizations, but it contributed to the way the realizations came unto me:

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JC, please take note that,

One, unless you are sure of where you�re going next after that bottle that already made you dizzy, just plainly stop. The act of taking a nap right there and then (which made you miss Paramita�s set) momentarily does not justify the reason that you needed that to pacify yourself after the amounts of alcohol you have taken, and neither will you be able to fully take back what will happen next. As much as you trust the people around you, you will not be able to make THEM trust you even if you tell them afterwards that you were just drunk. Your reputation will still be the one you would be risking.

In addition to that, unless you are in your own territory, it will NEVER be okay to be drunk. Especially if you have to go home afterwards, unless someone�s concretely there to back you up and drive you home�like Prince William or Josh Hartnett for instance. Or maybe just one of your brothers.

Two, do not ever, ever jump into conclusions again. What is applicable to one is not or may not be applicable to the other, therefore, committing the fallacy of composition: what is true of one is not exactly true of the whole. So, as much as you wish to believe that everyone on the same league as Person A whom you have relied on can also be relied on like A, it is not wise to conclude quickly that what is true of Person A will be true of the person you thought would be in the same league of Person A. Also, since we are all humans, we all tend to make mistakes.

Again, in addition to that, please do not be selfish. Just because Person A has always been there does not mean Person A will be there for you always. Firstly, A has no commitment to be your own personal catcher-to-fall-back-on forever, mainly because A is JUST YOUR FRIEND, THEREFORE, A IS NOT OBLIGATED TO BE THERE FOR YOU ALWAYS. You should be thankful enough that at least A is there when you needed a friend.

Also, in relation to this, do not ever go again to gigs especially if you would, 1) most likely make someone like A worry about how you�re going to manage, and B) obligate some other people/be a nuisance to other people only to accompany you till morning. Remember that these people have their own lives to live. As much as they say it is okay�even YOU admit that you are aware you are causing them trouble. They could have been sleeping instead of walking around with you somewhere. And, do not involve your other personal causes every time you expect (still in relation to this topic) on something. Because most likely, if you end up angry because of a broken expectation, it would give you a hard time trying to figure out how you�re going to justify your actions/outbursts, knowing fully well, that, well, personal nga, eh. Kapag pinilit mong ipaliwanag, malalaman lang ang personal mong sikreto. Tanga ka kasi.

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If you�re still interested, people, I�ll try to add more next time. What happened last night? Hopped from Temple Bar, Greenbelt to attend Wolfmann�s album launching/Girbaud modeling with some listers, then jumped to Big Sky Mind to attend a Dead Pan Society gig that had Bog, Paramita, Dicta License, Silent Sanctuary, and Imago on the line-up. Oh, and Bernie T. Sim from MTV Ink/Pulp was also there. Tinawag pa akong lasengga. Ha ha.

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Excess: Tani, thank you very much from the bottom of my heart. If Ria of Paramita would know what you did for me last night, I swear you might actually have your chances of�aherm. Uyy�binata na ang friend ko. *sniff, sniff*

But really, thanks. Pinatunayan mong gentleman ka nga tulad ng pinagpipilitan mo.